"When you die, it does not mean that you lose to cancer. You beat cancer by how you live, why you live, and in the manner in which you live. So live. Live. FIGHT LIKE HELL."
I'm sure those of you who know me well, are not surprised by this blog title, and this quote. First of all, I wanna say NOBODY loses to cancer. I've said it in previous blogs. If you walk into a doctor's office, hear those words, pick yourself up, and decide to fight, you automatically win. Period. When I first learned Stu (yes, I can call him that) had cancer, it rocked my world. If you're a sports fan, you know what this man means to broadcasting, to the sports world. He, single-handedly changed how people received sports news....I admired him for it, and I grew to love him for it. Watching him battle cancer with such tenacity and strength inspired me. He was my superman. I mean, who goes to chemo, then heads to the gym for a MMA training session?!
I leave chemo barely walking, not Stu, he left chemo, and went to work. We watched him every night, with no signs that he just had hours of poison pumped into his body. He would say over and over again that he was fighting for his family, most importantly, his two daughters, whom he called, "my heartbeat". His fight gave me hope, it gave me strength, it reminded me that I was bigger than cancer. I had no doubt in my mind he would beat it. His reasons to live, his refusal to not let it change his routine, and who he was?! Cancer was like a piece of lint he flicked off his shoulder. Even when I saw him on the ESPY's, saw how small he was, how tired he looked, I never thought for a minute that the end was near. So you can imagine what I felt, when I heard the CNN ping on my phone that Sunday morning. It took me a minute to register what I was reading. I still remember the exact words, "ESPN 'SportsCenter' anchor Stuart Scott dies after battle with cancer, he was 49". I think I stared blankly at my phone for 10 minutes, no emotion, no thoughts, just stared. Then I kept reading, it wasn't until I finished the article, that I realized there were tears streaming down my face. He died? What the hell do you mean, he died? There's no way! I couldn't wrap my head around it. I have no idea how long I sat there, crying....I mean crying like he was my best friend. I still can't wrap my head around it. I actually get annoyed now when a SC anchor says some sort of tag line, or pop culture reference. I literally want to jump through the TV screen, and kick them in the throat (I should probably bring that up with a therapist, huh?). I swear I spent the entire day confirming the news, on every news channel, on every sports channel, social media....all my brain needed was the tiniest bit of acceptance to believe it was true. I probably cried all day. I cried for his family, for his daughters, for his friends, for his fans, for the sports world. Then, I realized I was also crying for me. If Stu died? What does that mean for me? I know, I know, what does his death have to do with me?....but when you are a cancer patient, and your "cancer hero", your "cancer warrior" dies, it has everything to do with you. Stu was my superman....and there was no such thing as kryptonite. For the first time in a long time, I was scared....terrified actually. It was like a huge reality check slapping me right in the face. This shit is serious! There is actually a chance I may not survive this! Wait a minute....I could die from cancer, that's actually something that could happen! I have a LIFE THREATENING disease....like for real! There is something going on in my body that could end my life. MY LIFE. I mean, there's another statement I cant wrap my head around. I've said it a million times, "I REFUSE to let this beat me, I refuse". I think, for whatever reason, when Stu died, a little of my confidence went with him. It doesn't matter what I want. If it's my time to go....I go. Don't get me wrong, I trust God, and his plan for my life 100%. I have no problem with it. Here's the thing....I don't want to go because of THIS shit. I don't want to miss out on the rest of my life, miss seeing my newest Godchild (shout out to the Gash's & my lil man Zay!!) grow up, miss seeing my first two Godchildren (shout out to Jamieson & Lincoln holding down the Kinder household!) grow up, seeing all my friends kids grow up, holding my first niece or nephew, holding my first child, not being able to accomplish the millions of things I still want to accomplish......because of cancer. Hell no. No thank you.
Everyone is always telling me how strong I am, how much I inspire, that they know I'll beat it. I sometimes feel like I owe it to all those people, like I owe it to myself to beat this. I cant lose. I said I wouldn't. If I do, will I be letting all those people down? It's pressure I didn't know existed. I look over the thousands of pictures on my computer. All the people, and moments that have made up my life. I
don't want to leave them. I don't want to miss what's next, I've already missed enough. I lean on "my team" a lot. I mean.....a whole lot! They get me through. They're ride or die (shout out to Brooke!) Most of them know I'm having a crappy day before I even say anything (I'm looking at you Tara, Kel, Tara, and Brooklyn!). I have this notebook, I've had it for years. Whenever I hear, or see a quote I like, I put it in there. A lot of the quotes come from my friends and family, I'm not kidding when I always say, "it's the people on my team that keep me going".....here's one of my favorites:
"Just remember who you are. Very specific battles for very specific people. The war well be won in these very moments Ladypants. It's when we have nothing that our true nature shines. You're one of the bravest people I know. FXCK CANCER!!! There's living to do at the end of this saga. There is much to accomplish. You're not like the others. Winners see born different. And they win. The fight continues. Glory awaits
One hour, one day, one week at a time. Until the battle is won. I and many others refuse to leave your side. We fight together. You lead Us"
~Rashaad Hinton (4/9/14)
"There's living to do at the end of this saga..."......every time I read it, a different part sticks with me. Now, in the mind space that I am in, that is the part that is sticking with me, "there's living to do at the end of this saga...". I can't stay locked in my room forever, waiting for the next surgery, doctors appointment, scan, immune treatment, blah blah blah. This is my circumstance, and I can either be mad at the world, or I can kick cancer's ass for the 4th time, and LIVE. 9th time, if it comes to that. This is my journey, this is
the path God chose for me, (I'm sure I've detoured along the way lol) and I have to accept it. The good and the bad. The scars, the pain, the doctors, the tears, the looks on the faces of my family and friends, hospitals, are all part of this journey. I've made it this far, who's to say I can't finish this thing? Here's a positive thing, I watched all 746 SportsCenters yesterday....and only wanted to punch someone in the throat once or twice! If that's not a step in the right direction, I don't know what is! Ok, maybe three times, but the third time was strictly based on Avery Johnson, and his haircut. There, I said it. I don't like his haircut. At all. Moving along, a lot of people have been asking me for an update, so here it is:
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE :O)
Ok, now that the heavy stuff is over:
IT'S RELAY TIME AGAIN!!!!! BOTH TEAMS HAVE STARTED FUNDRAISING, I THINK #TEAMEBONYATL HAS RAISED OVER $1,000!!! MY BIRTHDAY IS IN FEB.....ALL I WANT IS A DONATION!! GO TO OUR TEAM PAGE, JOIN OUR TEAM. SAVE SOME LIVES. DO IT BECAUSE I SAID SO!! CLICK ON THAT LINK. I WILL START CALLING PEOPLE OUT BY NAME :O)
I also want to bring your attention to an AMAZING human being, Jason Pinchoff, who is single-handedly spreading awareness from a point of view the cancer world hasn't seen....and it's awesome, I absolutely love it, so will you. Go to the website, apinchlife.com....read the story. He's amazing, to say the least.
|Shout out to NYC!!
I posted an engagement video, of one of my great friends on my FB page. I shared it twice, and I'll be sharing it again. I'm not trying to spread the message of equality, or tolerance (yes I am), I'm simply sharing a story of two people in love. Go watch it. Share it.
CONGRATS BROOKE & GABBY!!!!!!!
CONGRATULATIONS TO THE OHIO STATE BUCKEYES!!! THE FIRST NATIONAL CHAMPIONS OF THE NCAA COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYOFF ERA!!!!
3RD STRING QB.....WHAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?
GO BUCKS!!!!!!! OH....IO!!!!!
Ok, I think I'm done....for now. Now, I'm going to flip my pillow over to the cool side, and go to sleep (what I'm really going to do, is flip my pillow over, finish my glass of pinot noir (it's red wine...I'm getting all my antioxidants!), and watch Empire lol)