Tuesday, October 19, 2010

There will be good days, bad days....and REAL bad days!

I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday.  
~Author Unknown




I've heard that chemotherapy can go one of two ways; it'll get better as you go through treatment, or it'll get worse as you go through treatment.  I'm not going to call mine yet, I mean, I've only had two treatments so I've got to let my body get adjusted to the drugs, right??? I can for sure say that the 2nd one was a little worse than the 1st.  I was D-O-N-E before we even left the office, it's actually kind of amazing how quickly it wipes you out.  For instance, woke up Saturday morning feeling like I got hit by a train...I mean EVERYTHING hurt, I heard some moving around downstairs and assumed someone was cooking breakfast.  Well.....a couple of minutes later, the aroma of breakfast drifted its way up the stairs, into my room, and settled comfortably beneath my nose.  Ok, they said that I may become sensitive to certain smells but, this was a little more serious than "sensitive"! I can't even begin to describe to you what it smelled like! It was horrible and all I wanted to do was get out of the bed and close my door but, nooooooooooo, my body screamed at me every single time I attempted to get up so I covered my head hoping I wouldn't vomit all over the place.  I then found out that the weird smell thing isn't nearly as bad as the weird taste thing.  Mom brought up what is generally my favorite breakfast; scrambled eggs with veggies and a lil cheese and breakfast potatoes with veggies and cheese.  I took one bite of the eggs and.....well, they tasted NOTHING like eggs so I tried the potatoes and got the same result....WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON IN MY MOUTH?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? So here's the problem with all of this....I need to eat because I have no energy, I also need to eat with the 6,000 prescriptions I'm supposed to be taking but.....I have zero appetite and everything tastes and smells like it was pulled from a garbage truck. If I am remembering correctly, all I had to eat that day was a couple pieces of pineapple....not cool.
I'm not going to lie, I thought I would be able to get through the "bad days" a lot better than I am.  I knew it was going to be hard, but I wasn't prepared for this...but then again, how in the world can you prepare for kancer????
bucket-o-fun!
KANCER WILL NOT CHANGE MY LIFE......I've said this a thousand times before, right? So why in the world do I feel like I'm in  a movie and the character of "girl with kancer" is played by yours truly???? Wes came to visit this week (which is exactly what I needed due to my trip down to the pit of despair) and we were talking about all this kancer stuff after I had a "bad" moment.  I, of course was in tears, and all I kept thinking was, "I'm not sure I can do this".......I'm not sure if it's the chemo itself, or the fact that I'm having chemo due to a kancer recurrence; but all of a sudden, I feel like I'm back to square one....complete denial of what's going on.  I did it the first time I was diagnosed and I'm afraid I'm doing it again.  I look at this container full of meds I have to take everyday and I burst out in tears.....this isn't supposed to be me.  I go into the bathroom to wash my hands and the second I stick my hand under the faucet, the cold water feels like a million needles stabbing at my flesh....woops, forgot about the cold sensitivity thing.  I tell myself before I go to bed, "Tomorrow will be a better day" and I wake up to the never ending nausea feeling (it's a special feeling) and to top it off, I'm so dizzy I can't see straight.  Everyday Wes was here (including today) I wanted sooooooooooooo badly to get out of the house and do something but, it never happened due to my wide variety of side effects.  Yesterday, I was really feeling bad and I looked at Wes and said, "I'm so sick of being sick".  All you people out there who have been through this, PPPPPUUHHHHLLEEAASE let me know your little secrets to get through it!
OK, enough of my pity party (I'm allowed one every once in a while!)........


In my last blog, I asked you guys to pray for Raven Orr, who was also in the fight.  I recently got the news that Raven passed away last Thursday.  When someone has kancer and they pass away, you'll generally hear the phrase, 'lost their fight with kancer'.  Well, I've been thinking a lot about that phrase and I have decided that I don't like it.  If Raven lost the fight, then kancer won the fight and that's just not gonna fly with me. If you ask me, the big winner here is Raven! She is finally home, with God....she's not in anymore pain, no more worries, no more treatments, she's finally back to her old self...and the most important thing, she's kancer free! How awesome is that?!?!?!? So NO MORE of that 'lost battle' nonsense. Kancer, you STILL LOSE!! Raven, you my dear, will make SOME Angel.......YOU WIN :o)
LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE :o)


~You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised~
Hebrews 10:36


~Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed~
I Peter 4:12-13


~TRUST HIM~




P.s. Things have obviously been a lil rough lately and I want whoever reads this to know that I have the best Aunties in the entire world.  Auje, Aunt Linda, and Aunt Brenda.....I have no clue what I'd do on some of these days without you.  People are constantly telling me how strong I am, what they don't know is, I get my strength from yall.  There is absolutely no way I could have gone through any of this without yall, and I am truly blessed to have you in my life......THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THAT YOU DO, I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU KNOW :o)



"When things go wrong as they sometimes will;
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low, and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but have to sigh;
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but do not quit.
Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-
It's when things go wrong that you must not quit."
~ Unknown


ITS STILL BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH!! GRAB YOUR MOMMAS, SISTERS, GRANDMAS, AUNTS, AND FRIENDS AND GO GET SCREENED!!!!!!!







Tuesday, October 12, 2010

1 down.....11 to go....

11 more treatments doesn't sound THAT bad does it?!?!?!?!? Dr. Duke said it'll be over before I know it and, he's a doctor so he's right.....right????? It's been 2 weeks since my last treatment and just as I am starting to feel somewhat normal, it's time to go back in the morning.  I think I dealt with the side effects pretty well.  Don't get me wrong, there were a couple of bad moments (it kicked my butt, for sure!) but, for the most part, I did OK.  Whenever I got the urge to throw something (or someone) out of a window, I remind myself that it could be MUCH worse.  I'm not going to lie, it still hasn't completely 100% set in that I've had cancer twice....I really can't believe it sometimes.  TWICE?!?!?!?!? REALLY?!?!?!?!? I imagine I'll never fully get over that (maybe with a little help from a shrink, or "talking doctor" as one of my students use to call it!) Speaking of students, not being in the classroom is really a lot harder than I thought it would be.  It's not even about not getting a paycheck (although my bank account does miss it's bimonthly deposit!).  It's about the kids....I actually miss hanging out with 9 yr olds!! If you've never spent the day with a 9 yr old, you should definitely put in on your "things to do" list.  They're hilarious.....and I miss that :o(  I also miss that "A-ha!" moment when they finally got something, there's nothing better in the world than the look on a kids face when a concept clicks.  I know I did a blog a while ago called "Thank you cancer".....well today, I wanna drop-kick cancer! As much as I try to get on with my life in a normal fashion, I am constantly reminded that there is nothing normal about it!  I've never been a person that deals with change well, and I've never been cool with waiting to see what's going to happen. I need to know what's going to happen or I feel completely out of control.  I'm not to sure why these past two weeks have been so rough.  Maybe it's because chemo kinda incapacitates you to the point that you dread walking up the stairs, or maybe it's because chemo makes it that much more real.  The one thing I keep hearing over and over again is, "Ebony, you have GOT to get some rest." Well, that's been sort of difficult for me because "resting" really isn't my cup of tea.  I'm a social butterfly (as mom calls it!) and resting doesn't really fit into my social agenda! Saturdays and Sundays are the absolute WORST!!! If you know me well, you know that I live for football, there is nothing in the world better than getting up on Saturday morning, watching Gameday, throwing some food on the grill, and having a beer or two (or 3 or 4 or 5....you get the picture).  Now, I'm a little iffy about eating food off the grill, and even more iffy about drinking. Honestly, I'm lucky to make it through a game without falling asleep!  Every single decision I make is revolved around cancer and cancer treatment......"should I eat this? should I drink this? will this interfere with the chemo drugs? if I go to the game, or to the bar, will I fall asleep because my body is so tired? if I go for a quick jog, am I gonna pass out in the middle of the street? I was told no more mani/pedi's till after treatment because of the risk of infection....should I risk it and get it done anyway? Is chemo slowly killing my reproductive organs? and the biggie.....what if the cancer comes back? WHAT HAPPENED TO MY LIFE?!?!?!?!?!  Don't freak out, I'm still as positive as I can be but, I have the right to vent every once in a while right?!?!?!?!?!?  I know this situation is in God's protective hands, it's just hard to deal with sometimes :o)
On a lighter note, my dad bought an iPad last week (it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen!) and he gave me his MacBook! Only a matter of time before the new iPad comes out and he gives me his old one, being home definitely has it's perks :o)
Thanks everybody for your thoughts and prayers, when things get rough, I think of all the peeps who have my back and it makes going through this MUCH easier!!! If I'm up to it, I'll post a play by play from the infusion room tomorrow!
LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH :o)


"We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, "Why did this happen to me?" unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way."
~Unknown


~Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer~
Romans 12:12


ANGEL OF GRACE :o)
~TRUST HIM~


PRAYER REQUEST for Raven Orr, 28 years old and also in the fight; but we know that God heals :o)
TRUST AND BELIEVE RAVEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ITS BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH!!! GET SCREENED LADIES (AND MEN TOO!)


www.liv.com this site has info about breast cancer and links to where you can get free mammograms


www.Pink-4-Ever.org another fabulous site dedicated to breast cancer


www.thetrevorproject.org Im sure many of you have heard about the recent wave of teen suicides the past few months due to bullying in the schools.....we HAVE to do better people....