There will be good days, bad days....and REAL bad days!

I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday.  

~Author Unknown

I've heard that chemotherapy can go one of two ways; it'll get better as you go through treatment, or it'll get worse as you go through treatment.  I'm not going to call mine yet, I mean, I've only had two treatments so I've got to let my body get adjusted to the drugs, right??? I can for sure say that the 2nd one was a little worse than the 1st.  I was D-O-N-E before we even left the office, it's actually kind of amazing how quickly it wipes you out.  For instance, woke up Saturday morning feeling like I got hit by a train...I mean EVERYTHING hurt, I heard some moving around downstairs and assumed someone was cooking breakfast.  Well.....a couple of minutes later, the aroma of breakfast drifted its way up the stairs, into my room, and settled comfortably beneath my nose.  Ok, they said that I may become sensitive to certain smells but, this was a little more serious than "sensitive"! I can't even begin to describe to you what it smelled like! It was horrible and all I wanted to do was get out of the bed and close my door but, nooooooooooo, my body screamed at me every single time I attempted to get up so I covered my head hoping I wouldn't vomit all over the place.  I then found out that the weird smell thing isn't nearly as bad as the weird taste thing.  Mom brought up what is generally my favorite breakfast; scrambled eggs with veggies and a lil cheese and breakfast potatoes with veggies and cheese.  I took one bite of the eggs and.....well, they tasted NOTHING like eggs so I tried the potatoes and got the same result....WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON IN MY MOUTH?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? So here's the problem with all of this....I need to eat because I have no energy, I also need to eat with the 6,000 prescriptions I'm supposed to be taking but.....I have zero appetite and everything tastes and smells like it was pulled from a garbage truck. If I am remembering correctly, all I had to eat that day was a couple pieces of pineapple....not cool.
I'm not going to lie, I thought I would be able to get through the "bad days" a lot better than I am.  I knew it was going to be hard, but I wasn't prepared for this...but then again, how in the world can you prepare for kancer????

bucket-o-fun!

KANCER WILL NOT CHANGE MY LIFE......I've said this a thousand times before, right? So why in the world do I feel like I'm in  a movie and the character of "girl with kancer" is played by yours truly???? Wes came to visit this week (which is exactly what I needed due to my trip down to the pit of despair) and we were talking about all this kancer stuff after I had a "bad" moment.  I, of course was in tears, and all I kept thinking was, "I'm not sure I can do this".......I'm not sure if it's the chemo itself, or the fact that I'm having chemo due to a kancer recurrence; but all of a sudden, I feel like I'm back to square one....complete denial of what's going on.  I did it the first time I was diagnosed and I'm afraid I'm doing it again.  I look at this container full of meds I have to take everyday and I burst out in tears.....this isn't supposed to be me.  I go into the bathroom to wash my hands and the second I stick my hand under the faucet, the cold water feels like a million needles stabbing at my flesh....woops, forgot about the cold sensitivity thing.  I tell myself before I go to bed, "Tomorrow will be a better day" and I wake up to the never ending nausea feeling (it's a special feeling) and to top it off, I'm so dizzy I can't see straight.  Everyday Wes was here (including today) I wanted sooooooooooooo badly to get out of the house and do something but, it never happened due to my wide variety of side effects.  Yesterday, I was really feeling bad and I looked at Wes and said, "I'm so sick of being sick".  All you people out there who have been through this, PPPPPUUHHHHLLEEAASE let me know your little secrets to get through it!
OK, enough of my pity party (I'm allowed one every once in a while!)........


In my last blog, I asked you guys to pray for Raven Orr, who was also in the fight.  I recently got the news that Raven passed away last Thursday.  When someone has kancer and they pass away, you'll generally hear the phrase, 'lost their fight with kancer'.  Well, I've been thinking a lot about that phrase and I have decided that I don't like it.  If Raven lost the fight, then kancer won the fight and that's just not gonna fly with me. If you ask me, the big winner here is Raven! She is finally home, with God....she's not in anymore pain, no more worries, no more treatments, she's finally back to her old self...and the most important thing, she's kancer free! How awesome is that?!?!?!? So NO MORE of that 'lost battle' nonsense. Kancer, you STILL LOSE!! Raven, you my dear, will make SOME Angel.......YOU WIN :o)
LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE :o)


~You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised~
Hebrews 10:36


~Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed~
I Peter 4:12-13


~TRUST HIM~




P.s. Things have obviously been a lil rough lately and I want whoever reads this to know that I have the best Aunties in the entire world.  Auje, Aunt Linda, and Aunt Brenda.....I have no clue what I'd do on some of these days without you.  People are constantly telling me how strong I am, what they don't know is, I get my strength from yall.  There is absolutely no way I could have gone through any of this without yall, and I am truly blessed to have you in my life......THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THAT YOU DO, I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU KNOW :o)



"When things go wrong as they sometimes will;
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low, and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but have to sigh;
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but do not quit.
Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-
It's when things go wrong that you must not quit."
~ Unknown


ITS STILL BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH!! GRAB YOUR MOMMAS, SISTERS, GRANDMAS, AUNTS, AND FRIENDS AND GO GET SCREENED!!!!!!!