Whoa Chemo-sabe!

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence, by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along."....YOU MUST DO THE THING YOU THINK YOU CANNOT DO."
~Eleanor Roosevelt



Don't you LOVE that quote?! I think I've used it before, but it's just so perfect....I have it written on a sticky note on my mirror, so I read it a million times a day (not saying I look in the mirror that much...you get the point!), and it REALLY helps on days like today.  It's like having your own personal cheerleader....that happens to be Eleanor Roosevelt :o)
(((FYI: I strongly suggest finding a quote, or some type of affirmation that fits in your life, and putting it somewhere you'll see everyday.)))

So, being back in the good ole infusion room is not nearly as depressing as I thought it was going to be lol!  I mean, it's definitely not somewhere you wanna revisit, but I can think of some worse places, so I'm not complaining!  It's 10:03am, and I've been going for about an hour now.  Have about another 30 min of the pre-meds, so I feel completely fine so far.  I will admit....I'm a teensy bit anxious about the rest of my cocktail.  These are new drugs, and I have NO idea what to expect from them.  You never know how your body will react to this stuff, so it's kinda pointless reading the side effects on the "chemo for dummies" website, b/c you may or may not experience them.  You know me, all that does is leave me with a million questions who's answers require me to "wait and see"! Here are a couple of my favorites:
  Am I gonna vomit instantly? How long before my hair falls out? Will my principal care if I have a mohawk? Am I gonna be so tired that I can hardly stand? How bad is it gonna make my body ache? How weird is food gonna taste? Can I drink alcohol (red wine is good, remember?!)? Am I really gonna be able to work tomorrow, or am I fooling myself?  Is it gonna work? Can I somehow make sure I get this chair every infusion? What happens if it doesn't work? Can we, FOR ONCE, watch ESPN on one of the TV's?
For real you guys, we NEVER get to watch ESPN, or anything sports related while I'm here! It's a HUGE concern for me....just sayin.
You know one thing I LOVE about coming here?  Everybody (almost everybody) knows exactly what I'm going through.  I don't get looked at like I do everywhere else, I don't have to wonder what people are thinking, I don't feel like "the girl who keeps getting canSer".  It's comfortable being here, and I guess it should be.  No offense to those of you who are wondering if you look at me "that way" (you probably do!), but NEWS FLASH: I DONT FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF, NEITHER SHOULD YOU! You don't have to look at me like all is lost! You should see some of these faces I get from people! I sometimes wish I had a camera ready, it's actually funny at times!  It's just a lil canSer, no biggie :o)
Yayyyyyyyyyyyy!!!! My Brooklyn just got here!! Good thing too....this party needs to be livened (is that a word?!?!?) up a lil bit :o)))) Sooooooo, peace out for now (yes, I said peace out), I'll give you an "after" report later!

The "after" report (7:14pm)

Ride or Die :o)

I'm gonna be completely and utterly honest with you guys.....I. Feel. Like. Crap.  I was NOT expecting this AT ALL!!! I figured I'd be a little tired, but it's just the first one so it wouldn't be too serious.  I figured incorrectly!  The rest of the infusion wasn't that bad. I reacted a little funny to one of the drugs, so we had to stop a couple times and I had to get some different pre-meds to counteracct my reactions.  There were a couple of funny moments that I couldn't (or I thought I couldn't!) speak correctly.  I coulda SWORN I sounded like I just got back from the dentist, but nobody else could hear it.  I started to get achy and tired a lot earlier than I hoped, and if Brooke hadn't been there, cracking me up, I would've been miserable. Speaking of Brooke....we were looking at old photo albums, laughing hysterically, and listening to her "1994-1999 rap mix" like we were having a sleep over....it was fantastic.  EVERYONE NEEDS A FRIEND LIKE YOU BROOKE, I LOVE YOU MORE THAN FOOTBALL :o)
So anyway, I'm supposed to be going to work tomorrow (I said I was gonna go, so I'm going!), so I am going to sleep.....IMMEDIATELY!!!!

~LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE~

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.
Isaiah 41:13




Oh.....thanks for the blog title Brooke...definitely MINE now!!!!!!!


and sorry peeps....not proofreading this one either, I'M OUT!

I wish canSer would get canSer, and die of canSer....

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. 
~Robert Brault

its my ring finger mom :o)

So, my phone rang a while ago, and the caller ID said, "Dr. Duke".....my heart about jumped out of my chest. Why in the world would my oncologist be calling me at 6:00 PM?!?!?!? OMG! It must be worse than I thought! He must be calling bc we need to set up an emergency appointment! That's clearly what the pain in my finger is! And now that I think about it, I haven't been able to breathe that well! And my balance has been off! And OMG...I couldn't remember my Victoria's Secret log in information yesterday! Annnnnnnd....my skin has been extra dry lately.  ALL THIS IS OBVIOUSLY BECAUSE OF THE CANCER, AND HE'S CALLING ME AT 6 PM ON A SUNDAY NIGHT (bc he's clearly in the office...and it's clearly open right now) TO TELL ME ALL IS LOST!!!!!!! Yea, that's not what it was about at all. There's always an automated call 2 days before your chemo appointment to remind you of it (like you could freakin forget!). How could I forget?! It was only 8 MONTHS AGO THAT I WAS GETTING THESE FRIENDLY REMINDERS EVERY OTHER WEEK! (This is waaaaaaay off subject, but is it not hilarious when the cameraman scans the crowd and gets close ups of the losing team's fans?!?!? Eagles fans look pitiful right now!) So I obviously realized it wasn't my doctor calling to tell me all is lost, and I answered and went through the automated process.  Now, judging from my complete mental breakdown after I hung up the phone, you would assume this is my first time dealing with canSer....not my third.  You would assume that I have know idea what to expect on Tuesday, you would assume that I was scared to death.  After I calmed down a lil bit, I convinced myself it's not fear.....it's anger.  100% pure, kick somebody in the sternum anger.  Why me? Why my family? Why my friends? Why again? Have I not proven myself? Have I shown that I can deal with anything and come out smiling? Have I not proven that I'm not afraid of a canSer diagnosis? Is this a test of my faith? If it is, I'm having some pretty serious test anxiety lol! I think I sorta went through this the first two times, but I got over it a lot quicker.  I, for some reason, cannot shake this anger....I am so unbelievably sick of canSer, I can hardly see straight. This is why: I WISH canSer WOULD GET canSer, AND DIE OF canSer. I mean, who would be sad about that? Who would mourn? Not me!! That's not harsh is it?!?!?!? Bc I REALLY would appreciate it if that would happen :o) Maybe I'll feel better after I get round 1 over with.  I have no idea how I'm going to react to being in that infusion room again...I could be "whatever" about it, I could fall right back into rhythm, or I could throw a complete 2 yr old temper tantrum about being in that damn (sorry mom...darn?) room again. Haven't been sleeping that well, and I'm pretty sure that's why.  You all know from previous blogs, I can't stand not knowing what's going to happen.  I hate not having control....and I have absolutely no control over this. NONE. It's driving me completely crazy.  School may be a little rough tomorrow too.  I'm not big on missing school, and who knows how much I'm gonna miss after tomorrow.  Will things be pretty normal after chemo starts? Or will I miss so much school, I'll have no clue what's going on day to day? Like I said, the whole not knowing thing turns me into a basket case.

DUUUGGGLA! Love u Jess!

On a more positive note....my Vols, and my Buckeyes lost yesterday, so it was a fabulous football Saturday! Soooooooo, if my Steelers don't win tonight...it's gonna be UGLY!!!
OK, I'm sure you all wanna hear more about how much I wish canSer would die.....buuuuuuut the Steelers are about to play, and football trumps canSer :o)


LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE


~Trust HIM~





Faith is the extreme confidence in God's ability to perform his will on your behalf no matter what is in the way.
(Thanks Shy Shy, love uuuuu!)






CHEMO ROUND 1 TUESDAY @ 830....LETS GOOOOOO! YOU WOULD THINK canSer WOULD KNOW BETTER BY NOW.....GEEZ!

One. Day. At. A. Time.

"Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow."
 ~ Dan Rather

"Fight Like An EBD Kid" 

Is it OK that I want to curl up in the fetal position and cry till there are no tears left? 


Leaving school Friday was rough.  I felt like (enter expletive), and I was questioning whether or not I would make it all day, before I even pulled up in the parking lot.  I will tell you this....MY EBD TEAM ROCKS!!!!!! I had a gift waiting for me, every single morning....not just any gift, but a thoughtful meaningful gift. BUT...the gift I received Friday, may just be the greatest, most thoughtful, clever gift of all time! So, we all know red wine is my fave, right? (it's a carcinogen, so hush!)....well, they got me a HUUUUUGE wine glass, and they got it engraved with, "Fight Like An EBD Kid" with a cancer ribbon!  I about died! That was definitely a moment I wish I was a hugger (Meka, Amy, Cyndie...I love you to death, don't take the hug thing personally!!!!)!! I mean....have you ever dealt with EBD kids?!?!?!? I know for a fact, some of you have, so you're thinking, "how perfect is that?!?!?" Not only did it warm my heart, but it definitely put things into perspective.  Guys, I love my job.  I've wanted a self contained EBD (emotional behavior disorder for all you non education peeps) position since I changed my major to Special Education.  This is literally my dream job.  How perfect was it that things fell into place the way they did?!?!? That first Saturday after I got hired, and I unlocked the door to my room for the first time, I thought to myself....."It's over, I'm finally here, my life is FINALLY about to get back to normal!".  I beat cancer twice, I was starting to feel like me again, and I was ready to go back home. Apparently, I was wrong about where home was!.....God had something better planned (no offense to my Savannah peeps!), my dream job....I mean, HOW MANY FREAKING PEOPLE CAN SAY THEY ARE DOING EXACTLY WHAT THEY ALWAYS WANTED TO DO?!?!?!? So clearly, nothing could mess this up! I was exactly where I was supposed to be, where I wanted to be. Sooooooo, imagine my effin surprise when Dr. Duke (to all you new readers, that's not really his name!) says, "scans don't look so good".  Um, what do you mean? they're blurry? Clearly you mean they're blurry, right?!?!?! Well, put some spit on your thumb and rub it a little! Maybe those lesions you are seeing on not only one....but two organs are ink smudges!!!! Yea....not smudges at all, and we're going to need more than a lil spit to make em go away.  Friday was also rough, because I knew after the break was over, everything would be different.  We go back to school the 28th, and my first treatment is the 29th.  How am I going to react to the new cocktail mix? How different will the side effects be? How much will my job performance suffer? Yall know all about chemo brain, right?! How in the world am I going to remember the 6,000 things teachers are required to remember everyday? I can't even remember to enter attendance as it is! How much will I be able to work? You guys know me, am I gonna say I'm fine....when I'm really not? How are the kids going to react to my pump? How is the staff going to react to my pump? How are the parents going to react to the entire situation? Those kids have been through so much the past 3 years.....and now this. Is the inconsistency going to through them off? One thing I do know, is I HAVE THE BEST PARA IN THE HISTORY OF PARA-DOM!!! I don't even like calling her a para bc she's so much more than that.  So blessed to work with such a great team....but like I said, you guys know me! I will be at that school unless I physically cannot move!!!! I know they say it's good to be as active as possible, but I'm not gonna lie....I'm a little concerned about how much I push myself.  When is enough, enough???? and will I be doing more harm than good?  
I had the the pleasure of meeting the most amazing people on Saturday afternoon. A really good friend of the family (love u!!!) had some guest in town, and one of them is an evangelist. She's this adorable old lady from Puerto Rico, and when she steps into a room, she just drips with goodness.  Well, this friend asked if some people could come over to the house and pray for me....ummmm, who's gonna say no to that, right?!?! It ended up being one of the most powerful experiences of my life.  When this woman spoke, you couldnt' help but to hang on every single word. It was amazing.  She spoke of her life, of her now deceased daughter, of the miraculous message she received from her daughter before she passed away.  She spoke of her own sickness, and the one thing she kept saying, over and over again was, "Ebony, you must take it one day at a time."  As hard as that is, she is so right.....canSer, or not.  It's not going to help me at all if I'm already worrying about my next scan, it's not going to help it I'm wondering what next week is going to be like after treatment, it's not going to help me at all if I'm calculating the days I have until my hair may or may not fall out.  None of that will help, but it will make me lose today, bc I've spent the majority of it worrying about tomorrow...which we're not promised people! So this time around, I'm going to focus on her advice: 
1. Trust GOD 
2. Don't Cry
3. Listen To Music
4. Take It One Day At A Time
Let's be honest people, how awesome is that advice (that no crying thing may be tough, it's not like I have the flu!), I mean, I can definitely handle that! My next step is to listen to my body more. We all know that canSer makes you tired and chemo sure as hell doesn't help.  If it's too much, I HAVE to learn when to say that's enough.  The point is to get better, not to prove to the world that I'm superwoman (I mean, if YOU wanna think that...that's fine with me!).  
Someone asked me if I was afraid the other day.....at the moment, I was honest and said yes.  I'm not sure exactly what it is that I was afraid of...but I was afraid.  Is it OK to be scared every once in a while? I think it is. Staring death in the face is definitely not a trip to Disney World....but, I'm not looking away either.  I will continue to fight this...no matter what the scans say, no matter what the blood analysis say, no matter what the doctors say.  I am determined to beat this again....and again if need be.  I'm not ready to go yet, and HE still has work to do through me, so I'm gonna end this one the way I ended my last blog when chemo was over......SCREW YOU CANsER!!! I WIN!!!!!


~LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE~


TRUST HIM


Be on you guard; stand firm in the faith; be [people] of courage; be strong 
I Corinthians 16:13

Represent!!!

PSA-
GET CANCER SCREENINGS PEOPLE!!! IT WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE!!!! IF NOT FOR YOU, DO IT FOR SOMEONE YOU LOVE :o)


Little side note: wanted to do something fun with my nails since I may not be able to get em done for a while. I had to argue with the nail tech that pink does not represent all cancers.  Each one has it's own unique color....this lady was really questioning my choice of blue.  Until I told her I effin have colon canSer, so I'm petty sure the ribbon is blue. NOW HUSH YOUR MOUTH AND PAINT A BLUE RIBBON ON MY FINGER!!!!!!!! hee hee :o) point is, if you wanna get a gift for someone with canSer, check out the color first, you just might make they're day!


I LOVE this site....you can shop by the specific type of cancer, so you don't have to worry about the color. Everything is pretty cheap and $ goes to research. Def one of my faves! Click on it and help save some freakin lives!!!!!
www.choosehope.com


BROOKLYN KINDER....I'M NOT SURE WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT YOU. I'D PROBABLY BE WALKING AROUND AIMLESSLY IN BACK ALLEYS SEARCHING FOR THE MEANING OF LIFE, OR FOOD, OR WHATEVER YOU SEARCH FOR IN BACK ALLEYS...."YOU BRING MEANING TO MY LIFE, YOU'RE THE INSPIR-AAAAA-TION!!!!" I FREAKING LOVE YOU TO DEATH....THANK YOU XOXOXOXO

UGH!!!!

Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.
~Mohandas Gandhi


Have I ever blogged 2 days in a row?!?!? This is new....guess when you have something to say, you should say it...."say what you need to saaaaay, say what you need to saaaaaay" hee hee, couldn't resist :o)


So, those of you who were with me LAST TIME (couldn't resist putting that in all caps...for effect), remember my spending spree, right? I found out the cancer was back, blacked out, and couldn't remember spending an obscene amount of money online.  I had an excuse for that day (the blackout...duh), but didn't so much have an excuse for the days that followed!! There was about a 3 week period during which, the UPS dude was knocking on the door every other day with a package. I'm not gonna lie....it was pretty awesome, not for my bank account of course :o) Well....it happened again.  I got home from school, I was tired, I felt like (enter expletive here), and I just wanted to curl into a ball and sleep until all this canSer (yes, I realized it's spelled wrong...see previous blogs for explanation!) crap was over.  So, what did I do instead? What I do best, retrieved my wallet and removed my credit card. Before you start judging though...every dollar I spent was on something cancer related, ANNNNND all the money I spent went to cancer research! So CLEARLY, it's 100% OK, right?!?!?! I mean, how could someone say, "No Ebony! Don't you dare help fund cancer research! Save your money!".....ridiculous, right?!?!?! OK, to the point....
I was looking at the merchandise on my last website (SU2C), and I saw the "Survivor" shirt, which I own, and the "In The Fight" shirt, which I also own.  Needless to say....I completely broke down.  I stared at that "Survivor" shirt as if it were an ice cold beer in the middle of the desert (yes, I would prefer a beer rather than water, if I were in the desert...don't judge!). I thought of the TWO previous times I was able to put on that shirt.  I thought of the TWO previous times a doctor looked at me and said, "no signs of the cancer!", I thought of the TWO previous times I was able to see that relief on the faces of my friends and family, I thought of the TWO previous times I said, "I'm so glad this is over!"....and then, I thought of the last time, when I said, "never again". I then looked at the "In The Fight" shirt (crying harder of course). I mean it's a neat shirt and all, but it's NOTHING like a beer in the middle of the desert...it's more like a sharp rock in the middle of a sandy beach...THAT YOU CUT YOUR FREAKING FOOT OPEN WITH!! Come on stupid canSer, LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU?!?!?! (except kick your ass twice!!!) I don't wanna wear the "In The Fight" shirt! I want the freakin "Survivor" shirt (I would like you to imagine me saying that in my whiny, bratty voice....for effect)!!!! I know I'm supposed to be positive and strong but, come on people....THIS. SUCKS.  So here I am, during the exact same time of year, on the same websites, taking the same "pre-chemo" vitamins, eating the same "pre-chemo" foods, trying not to have the same anxiety attacks, drinking the same glass of red wine (It's a cancer fighter....google it..and I know, I'd be drinking it anyway! don't judge). I know I've said it before, but ITS NOT FAIR!! I'm now thinking about things I never thought I would have to worry about again. Like my fertility, I've written about this before, right? Those who know me well know I definitely want kids someday (not this day!!). I was scared to death last time, now I'm really scared. I don't even wanna know what the chances are when you have chemo again....8 MONTHS after you finished the last round. I think, if a doctor ever tells me that chemo...CHEMO killed my chances of reproducing, they better be behind one of those indestructible glass thingys, bc that WOULD NOT be a pretty conversation.  Speaking of 8 months, what does that mean? I just finished my last round of chemo 8 months ago...and it's already back????? That has to mean it's pretty aggressive, right? Don't worry, I haven't given up hope or anything! And it's not like the iphone4S, where I wanna slap everyone who has one....I don't wanna slap all the healthy people and cancer survivors or anything (maybe the healthy people!)!! These things have just been on my mind all day, and I wanted to share! 
Soooooooo, me being me, I went fishing in my closet....and brought out the "In The Fight" shirt, bc let's face it....WE'RE (u like how I say "we're", don't u?!?!) in the fight. So, there's nothing we can do now, except FIGHT. BAM!!!! THOUGHT I WAS GONNA END ALL SAD AND NEGATIVE DIDN'T YOU?!?!? TAKE THAT canSer!!!

IN THE FIGHT...and proud of it!!!

~LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE~

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. 

~ Romans 5:1-5 ESV

  

(THANK YOU SHY SHY!!! LOVE UUUUUU!!!)

IF ANYONE FROM SYCAMORE ES IS READING THIS, YOU 

GUYS ARE ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!! THANK YOU THANK 

YOU THANK YOU!!!! XOXOXOXOXO 

HERE ARE THE SITES I VISITED TODAY!! I'M SURE YOU CAN FIND SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF, FOR THE CANCER FIGHTER OR SURVIVOR IN YOUR LIFE, OR IN MEMORY OF SOMEONE. TRUST ME, IT'S ALWAYS OK TO SPEND MONEY IF IT'S GOING TOWARD A GOOD CAUSE :O)

WWW.SU2C.ORG

www.livestrong.org

www.choosehope.com

Oh, and for those of you who have asked, the colon canSer awareness color is blue :o)

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!

SN-not in the mood to proof read, so before I post this, I apologize for any grammatical errors....and know that generally, I'm a phenomenal writer :o)

3rd time is a charm??? (hee hee!!)

"If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or fight like hell."
 - Lance Armstrong

hospital shenanigans :o)

So yea, the cancer is back....and to be honest, I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it!!! I mean, am I worried???? Absolutely not. I didn't worry the first 2 times, so there's no sense in worrying now. Am I mad??? ABSOLUTELY!!!!!!!!! and I'm pretty sure it'll be a minute before I can tuck the anger away! CAN I AT LEAST HAVE A YEAR?!?!?!? ONE FULL CALENDAR YEAR WITHOUT CANCER?!?!?!? and why does it have to be this time of year?!?!? I was so looking forward to chemo free holidays....to not having to figure out the best weeks to take off to maximize my "feeling good days".  Don't get me wrong, I am in no way trying to get you guys to feel sorry for me (if I was, is it working?!?!?), but this SUCKS and I had to get it out!!!! OK....I'm pretty sure I'm done venting (for now), so...moving on to the more upbeat part of the show :o)

I love my surgical team :o)

We left Dr. Duke with a plan....2 or 3 month chemo vacay, and then rescan to see where we are.  Next step, call my other fave, Dr. S (5th surgery on me!!) and schedule surgery to get the dang port put back in. You know me, I generally get my way......so I had my port re-inserted the next day :o) Sooooooooo, I'm all ready to go! Port's in place, first infusion (sounds so official, doesn't it?!?!?) is scheduled for Nov 29 :o))))))) This time should be a lil different though. Dr. Duke is changing up the cocktail mix, so we don't really know how I'm gonna respond to the side effects. One of the drugs is pretty different so my hair is prob gonna go....which is the least of my worries! (Shyra, you got my back!) Good news is.....I GET TO FREAKIN WORK!!!!!!!!!! Since I'm working here, I'll be able to go in when I feel like it!!! You guys have NO IDEA how happy that makes me!! Those kids are my life (most days lol!!), and I'm sure that'll def brighten up those not so great days! Speaking of school....I have no words for how absolutely WONDERFUL the staff at Sycamore Elementary has been! It's honestly been overwhelming! They are all so supportive and understanding and caring and awesome and I freakin love them!!!! Dude...I was telling my EBD friends (not the kids, the teachers!) that I was starting my pre-chemo cleanse, and that it involves no sugar. Ok, they know how much I love sugar bc they see me go though 68 tootsie rolls everyday.....so, this morning, there was a bowl of fruit on my desk!! Not just any fruit....antioxidant cancer fighting fruit!!!! Made my day :o))))
There are seriously no words for how grateful I am.....you all are so amazing and I have absolutely no idea how I would've made it this far without you.  So, THANK YOU...from the very bottom of my heart <3
Enough of the sappy stuff....ITS TIME TO SUIT UP! Chemo starts in 2 weeks....we made it through the first 2 times, the 3rd will be a breeze. I need yall with me though...all the thoughts, all the positive energy, all the prayers, all the jokes, and most importantly....all the socks (I will be continuing the sock tradition!) It means the world to me, so keep it coming :o) I have lots more to get off my chest, but I have to educate the youth in the morning, so....PEACE OUT!!!!


LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE :o)


~Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see~
Hebrews 11:1

D. O. N. E!

What cancer does is, it forces you to focus, to prioritize, and you learn what's important. I mean, I don't sweat the small stuff. I used to get angry at cab drivers. It's not worth it.... And when somebody says you have cancer, you realize it's all small stuff. And if it weren't for the downside, everyone would want to have it. But there is a downside.

 ~ Joel Siegel

port....

The second chemo was over, I started to think of all the things that needed to happen in order for this to be over.  I wanted that clear CT scan, which I got (Praise Him!), and I wanted this thing outta my shoulder.  My oncologist suggested that I leave in for a while...just in case. JUST IN CASE WHAT?!?!?!? THE CANCER COMES BACK?!?!?!? Yea, I don't think so crazy man! For those of you who have never had a port, you don't feel it at all, it doesn't bother you, yo can hardly see it, and it doesn't interfere with everyday activities.  So why take it out? Because I would rather not be reminded of it every single day.  I am so ready for things to go back to normal, I can't even begin to put it into words.  The port is the last and final thing, once that's out, I'll be DONE!! Won't have to go back to a doctor or hospital for the next three months!  I want my life back and I'm willing to take it back by any means necessary! I've already made a couple changes I never thought would happen, I'm moving back to Savannah......REALLY?!?!?! Who woulda thought :o) I've completely re-assessed my life and where it was heading and had to make some hard decisions....really hard.  I've had a lot of support in all this, which has def made these decisions easier, but what it all comes down to is.....this is MY life, it's the only one I have.  I can't waste anymore of it doing what everyone EXPECTS me to do, I can't continue to worry about what people will think about the choices I make, because they are MY choices.  One thing I have def learned is...LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO JUST FLOAT THROUGH IT! If you want something, go out there and get it...if you don't want something, get rid of it...tell the people you love, that you love them, everyday...learn to say NO, you can't please everybody, I learned that a while ago, but forgot it somehow (that person is now back in my life so I'm in the process of re-learning, going pretty well I think...spanx, <3 u :o) )...go against the grain, it's more fun that way...stop every once in a while and smell the roses, whatever you were rushing to will still be there...when you wake up in the morning, smile...don't work to hard, it's not that serious (unless you are my doctor or surgeon...then it is that serious!)...read a book instead of watching tv, there's only so much space in your brain for 16 and pregnant (no offense to those who love that show!).  My point is this, you never know where your life is heading, you never know what's gonna happen, and you can't control any of that...no matter how hard you try, no matter how hard you want to.  What you can control is how you react to what happens.  So react with a smile...a big one and continue to live your life....not someone else's idea of your life, but YOUR life..cause that's EXACTLY what I'm about to do...and I'm gonna enjoy every single second of it!!!!!!!!!
 SCREW YOU CANsER.....I WIN :o)


LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE :o)





~Don’t be afraid to keep moving on,
For what was before, now has gone,
God wants to accomplish so much more,
But we need to move forward in the Lord.~

Based on Isaiah 43:18-19


~TRUST HIM~




THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO CAME OUT FOR RELAY!! IT WAS TRULY AN AMAZING EXPERIENCE & I CAN'T WAIT FOR NEXT YEAR!!!!

PURPLE HANDS DANCE!

                          

SISTA FROM ANOTHA MISTA :o)

Survivors Walk :o)                        

cancer.org      NEVER TOO LATE TO DONATE :o)                                          

I. Am. Superwoman.

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Praise Him!

IT'S OVER.....LIKE, ITS REALLY REALLY OVER. I still can't believe it, I keep waiting for that phone call with the automated voice reminding me about my upcoming treatment.  It's a weird feeling to be done with all that "stuff".  I mean, it completely ran my life for 7 months and then all of sudden, it's over and I have NO IDEA what to do now! Don't get me wrong, I would much rather have no clue what to do, than sit in that chair for 7 hours, it's still gonna take some getting used to.  While I was going through it, I think my body's defense mechanisms took complete control (thank GOD) and I had myself convinced that it wasn't really all that bad.  When it was all over, and I had time to reflect on everything (and my little defense system turned off!) I finally realized the truth.....THAT IT SUCKED!!!!!!! and I mean real bad! Seriously yall, there was nothing fun about the last 8 months! I can say that now b/c it's over and I don't ever have to do it again. Throughout this whole canSer ordeal, I've heard a million different people tell me a million different ways about how strong I was, I'm gonna be honest and say I had no clue what yall were talking about! I didn't understand why everyone thought I was so strong, I mean, I didn't do anything extraordinary....I didn't feel like I did anything except go to the doctor every other week and get medicine.  But now that it's over and I can really think about what has happened since August, I completely agree with all of you! There is no way you can get through a canSer diagnosis without being strong....you have to be or you'll completely fall apart.  I definitely didn't do it alone though (I'm not THAT strong!) I became a praying machine and developed a relationship with God that I can't even begin to put in words....and my support system, wow.....I'm not sure I can put that into words either.  I have been blessed with the greatest family and friends in the world.  You guys have no idea how much you mean to me. My rock has always been my friends and family and there is no way I could've gotten through it without them. I lost touch with one of my best friends in the whole world a million years ago, and b/c of all this I have her back in my life. She has been a constant through this battle, whether it was a Bible verse or a simple "thinking about u" text message....she was there, so Tar-bear...thank you, I love you with all my heart :o) So many people made so many sacrifices for me, and I will be forever grateful to you all. And a quick little shout out to my Savannah peeps....yall have been AMAZING...I can't even believe all the support I've gotten from you guys....LOVE YALL TO DEATH!!!
 While we're talking about strength, I was lucky enough to personally witness the very definition of the word.  I recently attended the life celebration service of a friend who passed away from canSer.....notice I didn't say "lost his battle".  I CANT STAND THAT TERM....it's ridiculous, if you really think about.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again....anyone, who can sit in front of a doctor, be told they have canSer, get up and walk away, and then fight it with every inch of their being didn't lose anything.  So lets try to NEVER say someone with canSer lost, if anything, they gained the will to survive.....and that's some powerful stuff.  K, Im gonna get off my bandwagon :o) This service I attended was the most beautiful thing I've ever witnessed, it was outside in a park, there was music, there was laughter, there was even dancing! It was the very definition of a celebration of life.  Listening to his father, best friend, sister, and wife, completely blew me away....it was honestly overwhelming to see. You could literally feel the love and strength radiating from them like rays from the sun. It was an extremely powerful thing. So, to the Williams family....your strength gives us all hope, may we all learn to live life with the optimism and grace you have shown. You will forever be in our thoughts and prayers :o)
Soooooooo, what's next for me you ask??? I HAVE NO IDEA!!! and I'm not stressing about it one bit :o) I'm thinking about moving back to Savannah....didn't realize how much I missed it until my recent trip down there. I feel...better yet, I KNOW a lot is about to change in my life and generally that would scare me to death...but I've beat canSer twice dude.....IM NOT SCARED OF ANYTHING!!!! Watch out for me you guys, I have a strong feeling I'm about to set the world on fire!!!!!! (not literally)  :o)
LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE :o)


~though he stumble, he will not fall, for the LORD upholds him 

with his hand~.
Psalms 37:24

~TRUST HIM~


R.I.P. Patrick.....may your light continue to shine and may your music play on. :o)

Receive your healing Kathy & Pete!! You're in our thoughts and prayers...love u guys!!!!!!!!!

70. Percentage of people with colorectal cancer with no family history of it. It's Simple. Screening Saves Lives. Add your voice today and vote for community crc screening and awareness programs.....GET SCREENED, saved my life :o)

National Challenge Entries - Screening Saves

screeningsaves.org

Keep hope alive…Fighting for more birthdays starts with you! Risk ownership, fight cancer….we have the power to reduce our cancer risk!!!!!!!!!

American Cancer Society - Relay For Life

Ebony has raised $460 for the Relay For Life toward the goal of $300. Support Ebony with a donation.




PUUUUHLEASE go to my relay page and help us out!!!!!! u know u want to :o)


If you love sports, you must read and follow this sports blog, it's a hilarious look at the sports world and just about everything else!
Do it....I dare you :o)
http://btyasports.blogspot.com/

It's not all about me......

"For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else."

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I haven't blogged in a while, I know.  I think it's because my head hasn't been in the prettiest of places :o)  You would think that, being so close to the end of treatment, I'd be running around doing back flips.......not the case.  I guess that (not to sound cliche), when you get to the end, you can't help but think about the beginning.  Don't get me wrong, I am super excited about the end and I can't wait, but I can't help but think about all that has changed on the way.  I sometimes look in the mirror and feel like I am looking at a stranger.  Who is that girl with all the scars? Who is that girl with the dark circles under her eyes? Who is that girl who can barely stand up straight because she's so tired? Who's hair is this that all of a sudden decided to start falling out? What is that thing sticking out of her chest? WHO IS THAT GIRL? Then, I remember.....that girl is me.  Trust me, I am in no way looking for sympathy....that's the LAST thing I want.  I guess I'm just trying to get across that this sucks!! and it's OK to say it sucks!!  The thing is, it doesn't just suck for me.  I think I've been so wrapped up in my situation and what it has done to me and my life, I've forgotten that I am not the only person who has been changed by it.  I've said it before, I can't stand the fact that people (my fam especially) have had to make certain changes in their lives to make sure I was (am) getting what I needed.  Whether it was dropping everything to come to ATL for one of my surgeries, or changing their entire schedule around to ensure I never had to go to chemo alone, or even understanding that I don't feel like talking so I'm probably not going to answer the phone....people have made sacrifices for me and I pray you all know how eternally grateful I am....I LOVE U GUYS :o) I'm going to attempt to embrace all this change, it doesn't have to be a bad thing right??? Who knows where it'll take me, life is suppose to be a journey anyway.....that's what they tell me at least :o)))
On a lighter note.....I'M CANCER FREE, have 3 more rounds of chemo to go, and I finally made it out of my 20's!!!! I have a feeling my 30's are gonna be pretty fantastical....watch out for ME :o)
LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE

~For we walk by faith, not by sight.~
2 Corinthians 5:7

~TRUST HIM~

phenomenal book...read it (Thanks J!)

MARCH IS COLON CANCER AWARENESS MONTH!!!!!!!!!!! GET A FREAKING COLONOSCOPY PEOPLE!

www.ccalliance.org

Dress in Blue Day is March 4!

Colon cancer is the 2nd leading cause of cancer death in the country, but it doesn’t have to stay this way. Make a difference and help raise awareness for colon cancer by participating Dress in Blue Day on Friday, March 4th. Celebrating Dress in Blue Day is easy and could save a life! Check out our ideas on how you can get involved.

Materials for Dress in Blue Day are now available. Shop CCA to get yours.