UGH!!!!

Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.
~Mohandas Gandhi


Have I ever blogged 2 days in a row?!?!? This is new....guess when you have something to say, you should say it...."say what you need to saaaaay, say what you need to saaaaaay" hee hee, couldn't resist :o)


So, those of you who were with me LAST TIME (couldn't resist putting that in all caps...for effect), remember my spending spree, right? I found out the cancer was back, blacked out, and couldn't remember spending an obscene amount of money online.  I had an excuse for that day (the blackout...duh), but didn't so much have an excuse for the days that followed!! There was about a 3 week period during which, the UPS dude was knocking on the door every other day with a package. I'm not gonna lie....it was pretty awesome, not for my bank account of course :o) Well....it happened again.  I got home from school, I was tired, I felt like (enter expletive here), and I just wanted to curl into a ball and sleep until all this canSer (yes, I realized it's spelled wrong...see previous blogs for explanation!) crap was over.  So, what did I do instead? What I do best, retrieved my wallet and removed my credit card. Before you start judging though...every dollar I spent was on something cancer related, ANNNNND all the money I spent went to cancer research! So CLEARLY, it's 100% OK, right?!?!?! I mean, how could someone say, "No Ebony! Don't you dare help fund cancer research! Save your money!".....ridiculous, right?!?!?! OK, to the point....
I was looking at the merchandise on my last website (SU2C), and I saw the "Survivor" shirt, which I own, and the "In The Fight" shirt, which I also own.  Needless to say....I completely broke down.  I stared at that "Survivor" shirt as if it were an ice cold beer in the middle of the desert (yes, I would prefer a beer rather than water, if I were in the desert...don't judge!). I thought of the TWO previous times I was able to put on that shirt.  I thought of the TWO previous times a doctor looked at me and said, "no signs of the cancer!", I thought of the TWO previous times I was able to see that relief on the faces of my friends and family, I thought of the TWO previous times I said, "I'm so glad this is over!"....and then, I thought of the last time, when I said, "never again". I then looked at the "In The Fight" shirt (crying harder of course). I mean it's a neat shirt and all, but it's NOTHING like a beer in the middle of the desert...it's more like a sharp rock in the middle of a sandy beach...THAT YOU CUT YOUR FREAKING FOOT OPEN WITH!! Come on stupid canSer, LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU?!?!?! (except kick your ass twice!!!) I don't wanna wear the "In The Fight" shirt! I want the freakin "Survivor" shirt (I would like you to imagine me saying that in my whiny, bratty voice....for effect)!!!! I know I'm supposed to be positive and strong but, come on people....THIS. SUCKS.  So here I am, during the exact same time of year, on the same websites, taking the same "pre-chemo" vitamins, eating the same "pre-chemo" foods, trying not to have the same anxiety attacks, drinking the same glass of red wine (It's a cancer fighter....google it..and I know, I'd be drinking it anyway! don't judge). I know I've said it before, but ITS NOT FAIR!! I'm now thinking about things I never thought I would have to worry about again. Like my fertility, I've written about this before, right? Those who know me well know I definitely want kids someday (not this day!!). I was scared to death last time, now I'm really scared. I don't even wanna know what the chances are when you have chemo again....8 MONTHS after you finished the last round. I think, if a doctor ever tells me that chemo...CHEMO killed my chances of reproducing, they better be behind one of those indestructible glass thingys, bc that WOULD NOT be a pretty conversation.  Speaking of 8 months, what does that mean? I just finished my last round of chemo 8 months ago...and it's already back????? That has to mean it's pretty aggressive, right? Don't worry, I haven't given up hope or anything! And it's not like the iphone4S, where I wanna slap everyone who has one....I don't wanna slap all the healthy people and cancer survivors or anything (maybe the healthy people!)!! These things have just been on my mind all day, and I wanted to share! 
Soooooooo, me being me, I went fishing in my closet....and brought out the "In The Fight" shirt, bc let's face it....WE'RE (u like how I say "we're", don't u?!?!) in the fight. So, there's nothing we can do now, except FIGHT. BAM!!!! THOUGHT I WAS GONNA END ALL SAD AND NEGATIVE DIDN'T YOU?!?!? TAKE THAT canSer!!!

IN THE FIGHT...and proud of it!!!

~LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE~

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. 

~ Romans 5:1-5 ESV

  

(THANK YOU SHY SHY!!! LOVE UUUUUU!!!)

IF ANYONE FROM SYCAMORE ES IS READING THIS, YOU 

GUYS ARE ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!! THANK YOU THANK 

YOU THANK YOU!!!! XOXOXOXOXO 

HERE ARE THE SITES I VISITED TODAY!! I'M SURE YOU CAN FIND SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF, FOR THE CANCER FIGHTER OR SURVIVOR IN YOUR LIFE, OR IN MEMORY OF SOMEONE. TRUST ME, IT'S ALWAYS OK TO SPEND MONEY IF IT'S GOING TOWARD A GOOD CAUSE :O)

WWW.SU2C.ORG

www.livestrong.org

www.choosehope.com

Oh, and for those of you who have asked, the colon canSer awareness color is blue :o)

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!

SN-not in the mood to proof read, so before I post this, I apologize for any grammatical errors....and know that generally, I'm a phenomenal writer :o)