Sunday, November 27, 2011

I wish canSer would get canSer, and die of canSer....

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. 
~Robert Brault

its my ring finger mom :o)
So, my phone rang a while ago, and the caller ID said, "Dr. Duke" heart about jumped out of my chest. Why in the world would my oncologist be calling me at 6:00 PM?!?!?!? OMG! It must be worse than I thought! He must be calling bc we need to set up an emergency appointment! That's clearly what the pain in my finger is! And now that I think about it, I haven't been able to breathe that well! And my balance has been off! And OMG...I couldn't remember my Victoria's Secret log in information yesterday! skin has been extra dry lately.  ALL THIS IS OBVIOUSLY BECAUSE OF THE CANCER, AND HE'S CALLING ME AT 6 PM ON A SUNDAY NIGHT (bc he's clearly in the office...and it's clearly open right now) TO TELL ME ALL IS LOST!!!!!!! Yea, that's not what it was about at all. There's always an automated call 2 days before your chemo appointment to remind you of it (like you could freakin forget!). How could I forget?! It was only 8 MONTHS AGO THAT I WAS GETTING THESE FRIENDLY REMINDERS EVERY OTHER WEEK! (This is waaaaaaay off subject, but is it not hilarious when the cameraman scans the crowd and gets close ups of the losing team's fans?!?!? Eagles fans look pitiful right now!) So I obviously realized it wasn't my doctor calling to tell me all is lost, and I answered and went through the automated process.  Now, judging from my complete mental breakdown after I hung up the phone, you would assume this is my first time dealing with canSer....not my third.  You would assume that I have know idea what to expect on Tuesday, you would assume that I was scared to death.  After I calmed down a lil bit, I convinced myself it's not's anger.  100% pure, kick somebody in the sternum anger.  Why me? Why my family? Why my friends? Why again? Have I not proven myself? Have I shown that I can deal with anything and come out smiling? Have I not proven that I'm not afraid of a canSer diagnosis? Is this a test of my faith? If it is, I'm having some pretty serious test anxiety lol! I think I sorta went through this the first two times, but I got over it a lot quicker.  I, for some reason, cannot shake this anger....I am so unbelievably sick of canSer, I can hardly see straight. This is why: I WISH canSer WOULD GET canSer, AND DIE OF canSer. I mean, who would be sad about that? Who would mourn? Not me!! That's not harsh is it?!?!?!? Bc I REALLY would appreciate it if that would happen :o) Maybe I'll feel better after I get round 1 over with.  I have no idea how I'm going to react to being in that infusion room again...I could be "whatever" about it, I could fall right back into rhythm, or I could throw a complete 2 yr old temper tantrum about being in that damn (sorry mom...darn?) room again. Haven't been sleeping that well, and I'm pretty sure that's why.  You all know from previous blogs, I can't stand not knowing what's going to happen.  I hate not having control....and I have absolutely no control over this. NONE. It's driving me completely crazy.  School may be a little rough tomorrow too.  I'm not big on missing school, and who knows how much I'm gonna miss after tomorrow.  Will things be pretty normal after chemo starts? Or will I miss so much school, I'll have no clue what's going on day to day? Like I said, the whole not knowing thing turns me into a basket case.
DUUUGGGLA! Love u Jess!
On a more positive Vols, and my Buckeyes lost yesterday, so it was a fabulous football Saturday! Soooooooo, if my Steelers don't win's gonna be UGLY!!!
OK, I'm sure you all wanna hear more about how much I wish canSer would die.....buuuuuuut the Steelers are about to play, and football trumps canSer :o)


~Trust HIM~

Faith is the extreme confidence in God's ability to perform his will on your behalf no matter what is in the way.
(Thanks Shy Shy, love uuuuu!)



  1. im your #1 fan EJ

  2. I will be praying for you and your family.

  3. It's OK-God has his hands on you and he will see you through. As Ms. Carmasita said, "praise him for what he's going to do." LIVE your life! God will get us through just as he always has before. Who else could handle this the way you have? There's a reason he's trusting you with this burden. He's given you an incredible gift; to teach and inspire and thats what you'll be doing for a very long time!!!!
    We love you Baby Girl!
    Mom and Dad

    p.s. Thank God for your wonderful friends and incredible relatives and thank God for you!
    sweet dreams...

  4. Will be thinking and praying for you tomorrow morning. Much love coming your way!
    Leslie Kollar

  5. Thinking of you Ebony. I miss our Thrive dates!