One. Day. At. A. Time.

"Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow."
 ~ Dan Rather

"Fight Like An EBD Kid" 

Is it OK that I want to curl up in the fetal position and cry till there are no tears left? 


Leaving school Friday was rough.  I felt like (enter expletive), and I was questioning whether or not I would make it all day, before I even pulled up in the parking lot.  I will tell you this....MY EBD TEAM ROCKS!!!!!! I had a gift waiting for me, every single morning....not just any gift, but a thoughtful meaningful gift. BUT...the gift I received Friday, may just be the greatest, most thoughtful, clever gift of all time! So, we all know red wine is my fave, right? (it's a carcinogen, so hush!)....well, they got me a HUUUUUGE wine glass, and they got it engraved with, "Fight Like An EBD Kid" with a cancer ribbon!  I about died! That was definitely a moment I wish I was a hugger (Meka, Amy, Cyndie...I love you to death, don't take the hug thing personally!!!!)!! I mean....have you ever dealt with EBD kids?!?!?!? I know for a fact, some of you have, so you're thinking, "how perfect is that?!?!?" Not only did it warm my heart, but it definitely put things into perspective.  Guys, I love my job.  I've wanted a self contained EBD (emotional behavior disorder for all you non education peeps) position since I changed my major to Special Education.  This is literally my dream job.  How perfect was it that things fell into place the way they did?!?!? That first Saturday after I got hired, and I unlocked the door to my room for the first time, I thought to myself....."It's over, I'm finally here, my life is FINALLY about to get back to normal!".  I beat cancer twice, I was starting to feel like me again, and I was ready to go back home. Apparently, I was wrong about where home was!.....God had something better planned (no offense to my Savannah peeps!), my dream job....I mean, HOW MANY FREAKING PEOPLE CAN SAY THEY ARE DOING EXACTLY WHAT THEY ALWAYS WANTED TO DO?!?!?!? So clearly, nothing could mess this up! I was exactly where I was supposed to be, where I wanted to be. Sooooooo, imagine my effin surprise when Dr. Duke (to all you new readers, that's not really his name!) says, "scans don't look so good".  Um, what do you mean? they're blurry? Clearly you mean they're blurry, right?!?!?! Well, put some spit on your thumb and rub it a little! Maybe those lesions you are seeing on not only one....but two organs are ink smudges!!!! Yea....not smudges at all, and we're going to need more than a lil spit to make em go away.  Friday was also rough, because I knew after the break was over, everything would be different.  We go back to school the 28th, and my first treatment is the 29th.  How am I going to react to the new cocktail mix? How different will the side effects be? How much will my job performance suffer? Yall know all about chemo brain, right?! How in the world am I going to remember the 6,000 things teachers are required to remember everyday? I can't even remember to enter attendance as it is! How much will I be able to work? You guys know me, am I gonna say I'm fine....when I'm really not? How are the kids going to react to my pump? How is the staff going to react to my pump? How are the parents going to react to the entire situation? Those kids have been through so much the past 3 years.....and now this. Is the inconsistency going to through them off? One thing I do know, is I HAVE THE BEST PARA IN THE HISTORY OF PARA-DOM!!! I don't even like calling her a para bc she's so much more than that.  So blessed to work with such a great team....but like I said, you guys know me! I will be at that school unless I physically cannot move!!!! I know they say it's good to be as active as possible, but I'm not gonna lie....I'm a little concerned about how much I push myself.  When is enough, enough???? and will I be doing more harm than good?  
I had the the pleasure of meeting the most amazing people on Saturday afternoon. A really good friend of the family (love u!!!) had some guest in town, and one of them is an evangelist. She's this adorable old lady from Puerto Rico, and when she steps into a room, she just drips with goodness.  Well, this friend asked if some people could come over to the house and pray for me....ummmm, who's gonna say no to that, right?!?! It ended up being one of the most powerful experiences of my life.  When this woman spoke, you couldnt' help but to hang on every single word. It was amazing.  She spoke of her life, of her now deceased daughter, of the miraculous message she received from her daughter before she passed away.  She spoke of her own sickness, and the one thing she kept saying, over and over again was, "Ebony, you must take it one day at a time."  As hard as that is, she is so right.....canSer, or not.  It's not going to help me at all if I'm already worrying about my next scan, it's not going to help it I'm wondering what next week is going to be like after treatment, it's not going to help me at all if I'm calculating the days I have until my hair may or may not fall out.  None of that will help, but it will make me lose today, bc I've spent the majority of it worrying about tomorrow...which we're not promised people! So this time around, I'm going to focus on her advice: 
1. Trust GOD 
2. Don't Cry
3. Listen To Music
4. Take It One Day At A Time
Let's be honest people, how awesome is that advice (that no crying thing may be tough, it's not like I have the flu!), I mean, I can definitely handle that! My next step is to listen to my body more. We all know that canSer makes you tired and chemo sure as hell doesn't help.  If it's too much, I HAVE to learn when to say that's enough.  The point is to get better, not to prove to the world that I'm superwoman (I mean, if YOU wanna think that...that's fine with me!).  
Someone asked me if I was afraid the other day.....at the moment, I was honest and said yes.  I'm not sure exactly what it is that I was afraid of...but I was afraid.  Is it OK to be scared every once in a while? I think it is. Staring death in the face is definitely not a trip to Disney World....but, I'm not looking away either.  I will continue to fight this...no matter what the scans say, no matter what the blood analysis say, no matter what the doctors say.  I am determined to beat this again....and again if need be.  I'm not ready to go yet, and HE still has work to do through me, so I'm gonna end this one the way I ended my last blog when chemo was over......SCREW YOU CANsER!!! I WIN!!!!!


~LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE~


TRUST HIM


Be on you guard; stand firm in the faith; be [people] of courage; be strong 
I Corinthians 16:13

Represent!!!

PSA-
GET CANCER SCREENINGS PEOPLE!!! IT WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE!!!! IF NOT FOR YOU, DO IT FOR SOMEONE YOU LOVE :o)


Little side note: wanted to do something fun with my nails since I may not be able to get em done for a while. I had to argue with the nail tech that pink does not represent all cancers.  Each one has it's own unique color....this lady was really questioning my choice of blue.  Until I told her I effin have colon canSer, so I'm petty sure the ribbon is blue. NOW HUSH YOUR MOUTH AND PAINT A BLUE RIBBON ON MY FINGER!!!!!!!! hee hee :o) point is, if you wanna get a gift for someone with canSer, check out the color first, you just might make they're day!


I LOVE this site....you can shop by the specific type of cancer, so you don't have to worry about the color. Everything is pretty cheap and $ goes to research. Def one of my faves! Click on it and help save some freakin lives!!!!!
www.choosehope.com


BROOKLYN KINDER....I'M NOT SURE WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT YOU. I'D PROBABLY BE WALKING AROUND AIMLESSLY IN BACK ALLEYS SEARCHING FOR THE MEANING OF LIFE, OR FOOD, OR WHATEVER YOU SEARCH FOR IN BACK ALLEYS...."YOU BRING MEANING TO MY LIFE, YOU'RE THE INSPIR-AAAAA-TION!!!!" I FREAKING LOVE YOU TO DEATH....THANK YOU XOXOXOXO