"You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them." ~Desmond Tutu
gift/gift/ Noun- A thing given willingly to someone without payment; a present.
Love, Hope, Faith, Cure.
I've decided to do something a little different with this blog. You guys have been hearing from me for years. So it's safe to say, we all pretty much know how Ebony feels about canSer, right?!?! This last month has been pretty crazy in my little "canSer world", I was finally able to start taking my 5th addition to my chemo cocktail, I received my 1st during treatment scan (results weren't great, but they weren't horrible either!!!), annnnnnnnd I shaved my hair off lol! The head shaving thing is a pretty huge deal, so naturally, I should blog about it, right?! Well.....I was thinking a while ago, that maybe you guys want to start hearing from other people. I am blessed to have the best support system in the world, from my peeps all the way in Savannah, to my Sycamore and White Oak families here. Friends, acquaintances, friends of friends, strangers, and of course....my amazing family. All these people have been affected in some way, and I think it's time that they're heard!!!! I decided to do some blogs dedicated to all my caregivers, co-survivors, and supporters. There is no way I would have gotten this far without all of you, so it's only fair that we should be able to hear what you guys have to say!
<3
Yall hear me talk about Shyra A LOT lol, I'm not gonna go into much detail about our relationship, I'll let her handle that :o) I decided, I wanted her to go first, and this is why; I def wouldn't be where I am today without her. Although I love that quote up there from Desmond Tutu, I did not need him to tell me that this amazing woman is a gift from God, because I've known that all my life.
~LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE~
~For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I in the midst of them.~ Matthew 18:20
So here it is......
Shyra's Blog:
I love cancer.
Pause. I’m sure you’re asking how can anyone love cancer? It is a relentless assassin, it devastates millions of families, and claims innocent lives. It causes victims to literally poison their bodies in an effort to rid itself of this tenacious disease.
I’m sure all of us have been touched by cancer in some way, shape, or form. I’ve actually gotten to know cancer pretty well the last 3 years. As a matter of fact, I watched a dear loved one look cancer square in the eye 3 different times in 3 years. ( I told you, she’s relentless) So again, you ask, how can anyone love cancer? Well let me tell you...
Now this isn’t my battle, it belongs to Ebony. Ebony and I are first cousins. Our mothers are twin sisters, so we think of ourselves as “cuhsters,” (cousins and sisters) and we are. Ebony was diagnosed with colon cancer at the age of 28. She whooped cancer up side the head with out a blink. But, in true cancer form, she came back again in her liver the very next year. Don’t trip, Ebony is a G! She dropped kicked cancer in the face for the 2nd time, no sweat! Oh, but you see, cancer isn’t called cancer for nothing. Embarrassed by 2 butt whoopings in as many years by the same woman no less, cancer reared her ugly little head again, yall! Can you believe it? I can, cancer is a relentless bitch! Not even 8 months after her last round of chemo, cancer came back for the 3rd time in her liver and her lung. So this brings me to present day, Operation: Didn’t -we-tell-your-ugly-butt-twice-not-to-come-around-here-no-more-we-aint-backing-down-so-take-your-ratchet-self-on-somewhere! Yeah, that’s the name of it.
Y’all my cousin, Ebony, has carried this with such style and grace. She’s has the most hopeful and optimistic approach. (As well she should, we serve a mighty God!) We laugh, we joke, we make fun of cancer. I think that pisses cancer off too. We steal it’s thunder. We give it no power. The funniest thing she’s said is, “I hope cancer gets cancer and dies of cancer!” LMBO!!! She’s hilar! And she will pull that cancer card, quick, to get what she wants...lol! I don’t blame her she’s endured so much.
Me being the athlete I am, I liken it to a game series. You know the first game, we blew cancer out. The second game, cancer wasn’t going out so easy, she gave us a good run but we still won convincingly. cancer got a little confidence though. Now this third game, we have a new game plan. We’re not being nice any more. It’s like a pesky, little, scrappy guard. We’re not giving cancer a chance or any hope. We’ve got that killer instinct this go ‘round. A stronger chemo cocktail that will promise to have stronger side effects--the hair’s definitely gonna go. We’re going straight for the head of the beast this time. At this point of the game, we’re ahead and we’re not looking back. We’re playing up to our competition because cancer’s win/loss record speaks for itself. We’re gonna step on her neck and leave no chance for a comeback. This is it for you, cancer. You’ve had your time to shine. We ain’t playing any more! Do or die! You see, cancer, our Coach is the most high! He’s drilled us, He’s gone over the scouting report with us, He’s given us a pre-game speech that will make you run through a brick wall! We’re the home team and we have a packed house full of #fcancer fans! He’s already promised us this victory! Praise Him!
I know what you’re thinking, “Shyra, you still haven’t told us why you love cancer.” Welp, this is why I love cancer...
I have been a witness--a witness to God’s power and grace! I’ve witnessed His promise and His plan. I’ve witnessed just how detailed and intricately God works. I’m thankful for my own test of faith as a co-survivor, it only strengthened my relationship with Him. I’ve witnessed courage. I’ve seen this young, brave, fearless woman look cancer square in the eyes and refuse to lay down. I’ve seen her smile and laugh in the face of adversity. I’ve witnessed the true essence of FAMILY. I’ve seen a family stand in agreement and on one accord in the name of Jesus and for the sake of Ebony. I’ve seen an extended family come together out of pure love; a family that you wouldn’t think could be any closer, band together as tightly as a fist. We’ve fasted for her and we had over 30 family members join in on a prayer call for Ebony. And you know what Matthew 18:19-20 says. I’ve seen her mother, Joan, display the most unwavering exhibit of faith and strength. I’ve witnessed the true inspiration that Ebony has been to people not only in her community but around the world!! Praise God! (tears) How lucky is she that God chose her to be this beacon of light and an example of His grace! She’s saved lives by advocating for cancer awareness and and the importance of screenings. cancer has brought Ebony and me closer than I had ever imagined and for that, I am truly thankful. She makes me a better person, too. How can I complain about being too tired to practice for 2 hours when she is literally countering this vicious attack on her body by poisoning hers for 8 hours every other week. If that doesn’t put your priorities in order, I don’t know what will. Not only is she my cousin, she is my sister. And, not only is she my sister, she is my bestie. So many people have been blessed by Ebony’s generosity and willingness to share her journey. I was fortunate enough to watch her shave her head, just another shot to cancer’s gut. We don’t care about hair! I’ve been humbled, I’ve been educated, I’ve been blessed by cancer.
And...that’s why I love cancer.
So, Ebony, I want you to know that you are not alone in this fight! You have an army of support and LOVE behind you and WE WILL BEAT cancer...again! And we’re gonna give God all of the GLORY!! Here is my tribute to you! I love you! #fcancer
Stay tuned for more "guest bloggers"!!!! Up next....My momma.....or my Aunt Jean, which ever finishes first....you know they're twins so it's gonna be a competition lol!
(ANYBODY NOTICE I CHANGED THE NAME OF THE BLOG FROM, "I WILL beat this..." to, "WE will beat this..."?!?!?! hee hee :o))
"Cancer can take away all of my physical abilities. It cannot touch my mind, it cannot touch my heart, and it cannot touch my soul."
~Jim Valvano
lol!
Scans make me crazy. I mean REAL crazy. I had my first "during treatment" scan last Friday, and my blood pressure has been sky high ever sense. I've had a million scans, and they all conjure up some level of anxiety, but I've never had one like this. The anticipation is literally driving me mad! Last year, we decided to do chemo after surgery, so we already had the pathology reports which didn't show any traces of the cancer, which meant the during treatment scans were just to make sure it hadn't come back. This time, the purpose of the scan is to see if the chemo is working.....and the lesions have gone bye bye. It's an absolutely insane feeling, wanting something so bad that you feel like your heart is going to explode. I know curing canSer is a process.....a long one sometimes. I know that a lot of the time, your first scan isn't going to be completely clear. I know that's especially true if you have numerous tumors or lesions on numerous organs. I know that sometimes nothing has changed. I know that sometimes it's worse. I also know that....we don't always get what we want. You can see how thinking about all this is enough to drive anyone crazy. For the last 4 days, all I've been able to think about is the fact that, that scan report may, or may not be the ticket to get my life back.
Visit from my Tar-bear & Miss Kylee <3
I am constantly hearing, or reading something telling me, "to not let canSer control my life". OK, that sounds really good in theory, but let's be honest people, IT ABSOLUTELY CONTROLS YOUR LIFE!!!! I didn't choose to leave Savannah in 2010, that was my home! That's where I'd lived for the past 8 years! It's where my job was, where my friends were......where my beach was!!! I was absolutely devastated when I had to leave all that. At first, treatments were really hard for me last year. That scan report can change your entire life in an instant, and I felt like my life had been taken away.....and nobody asked me if it was OK. I guess that's a pretty normal way to feel when you get that kind of news right? (well, I hope it's normal lol!). Eventually I got over myself and accepted what was, I trusted God, focused on my health, and beat it :o)
So, there I was, a 2 time cancer survivor!!! New outlook, new attitude, and extremely ready to pick up where I left off........fast forward to November 10, 2011:
Dr. Duke: "The scans don't look so good"
Me: "Okaaaaaaaay......"
Dr. Duke: "We found a couple of spots on your liver....and there are also some spots on your lung"
Voice in my head: "EXPLETIVE! EXPLETIVE! EXPLETIVE! EXPLETIVE!"
The only thing I could think (after the expletives!) was, "You've gotta be kidding me. Can I PLEASE have one year, 365 days of being cancer-free?!?!?! Am I asking too much?!?!?!" The THIRD time you're told you have cancer, is quite different from the first and second time. I was actually more annoyed than sad....seriously, it annoyed me to no end that I, once again, was going to be forced to change my life around because this stupid disease wont leave me alone. So I formulated a plan, and this plan was going to be different than the previous two plans. I started to really think about my situation, and I decided that it really wasn't all that bad! I live here now, so I didn't have to move. I work here now, so.....OMG!!!!!!! I CAN WORK DURING TREATMENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You guys.....when I realized I could work through treatments, it almost made having cancer a third time OK lol! Seriously! My job is my life, and I LOVE what I do (the majority of the time lol!), so the thought of it being taken away from me again was something I could not accept. I had a talk with admin and my EBD peeps (shout out!), and we decided I would miss three days of school the week of treatment, and be there the rest of the time. Great plan, right?!?!?! I mean, people work through chemo all the time! If they can do it, surely I can too!!!! Ummmmmmmmmmmm.........not so much. This treatment is completely different from my treatment last year. Different drugs = different side effects and different side effects = different reactions. To make a long story short....this treatment is kicking my a@@ a lil bit, and it never really worked out the way we planned. I know now, that I was pushing myself way too hard. I got up and went to work on days I knew I shouldn't have, I stayed at work on days I knew I should've gone home. I was staying up way too late, trying my best to stay caught up, but all I was doing was getting more behind, and I definitely wasn't feeling any better....and you guys know me, when anyone asked how I was doing, I always said fine (Auti, I know that's your fave lol!). It got so bad one day, that I ended up in the ER.....THE FREAKING ER PEOPLE!!! (quick apology to those of you who didn't know, I didn't wanna make it a big deal, so I didn't tell anybody....sorry!!!!). I was doing waaaaaaaay too much, and my body was literally screaming at me to slow down. I knew what I had to do, and it killed me to do it. Great. Once again, I had to stop doing the one thing that made me forget about canSer, and once again, I was devastated. For a while, I was beginning to wonder how I was gonna get through this again. How many more times can I take this? How much fight do I have left? How much strength do I have left? Then, right on time, I received an email from Shyra about God's Grace......I read it, prayed, and went directly to a mirror and told myself to stop being so damn dramatic!!!! How dare I wonder how I'm gonna get through this!!! I'm going to get through it the same way I've gotten through any obstacle in my life!! I'm gonna pray, and I'm gonna trust God.......duh! I also had to stop beating myself up over taking a leave from work. No, I didn't quit, I did what I had to do in order to take care of ME. I was so concerned about work, I forgot to be concerned about fighting canSer! I can't do both, and I have zero problem admitting that! I am determined to beat this, and now, I have my game face on :o)
YUP!!!!!
While I'm talking about work, my Sycamore family has been an absolute blessing, I can't even believe how supportive everyone is, you guys make all this sooooo much easier to deal with, and I appreciate it from the very bottom of my heart. Meka, Amy, and Cyndi.....I would be lost without you!!!! Seriously, y'all are life savers....I owe you BIG!!!!!
Anyway, that brings us to today and my NEW plan (hee hee). I'm not the least bit concerned with that scan report. It doesn't matter what it says, either way I'm gonna continue to fight canSer like hell! I'm gonna continue to speak out about it, I'm gonna continue to harass people to get screened and educate themselves, I'm gonna eat right, I'm gonna exercise, I'm gonna do everything my doctor tells me to do, I'm gonna rest, I'm gonna drink my gogi juice and eat my figs....and whatever else Brooke finds during her endless hours of canSer research :o), basically....I'm gonna do exactly what Shyra told me to do when I told her about my ER visit.....I'm gonna SIT DOWN, and SHUT UP! but only until I beat this crap again :o)
~LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE~
Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.
I Corinthians 6:19-20
Trust HIM.
I've watched this speech a million times the past couple of weeks.....it should be required viewing. Do yourself a favor and watch it, then do us all a favor and visit the website :o)
The V Foundation for Cancer Research was founded in 1993 by ESPN and the late Jim Valvano, legendary North Carolina State basketball coach and ESPN commentator. Since 1993, The Foundation has raised more than $115 million to fund cancer research grants nationwide. It awards 100 percent of all new direct cash donations and net proceeds of events directly to cancer research and related programs. The Foundation awards grants through a competitive awards process strictly supervised by a Scientific Advisory Board. For more information on The V Foundation or to make a donation, please visit www.jimmyv.org
"Don't Give Up....Don't Ever Give Up"
~Jimmy V
This song gives me goosebumps every time I hear it...It's like my canSer fighting theme song!!! I love how you can make lyrics fit any situation. Music is my therapy :o)
Fly.... I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
To fly, to fly
I wish today it will rain all day
Maybe that will kinda make the pain go away
Trying to forgive you for abandoning me
Praying but I think I'm still an angel away
Angel away, yeah strange in a way
Maybe that is why I chase strangers away
They got their guns out aiming at me
But I become near when they aiming at me
Me, me, me against them
Me against enemies, me against friends
Somehow they both seem to become one
A sea full of sharks and they all smell blood
They start coming and I start rising
Must be surprising, I'm just surmising
I win, thrive, soar, higher, higher, higher
More fire
I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
To fly, to fly
Everybody wanna try to box me in
Suffocating every time it locks me in
Paint they own pictures, then they crop me in
But I will remain where the top begins
'Cause I am not a word, I am not a line
I am not a girl that can ever be defined
I am not fly, I am levitation
I represent an entire generation
I hear the criticism loud and clear
That is how I know that the time is near
See we become alive in a time of fear
And I ain't got no (expletive, lol!) time to spare
Cry my eyes out for days upon days
Such a heavy burden placed upon me
But when you go hard your nay's become yea's
Yankee Stadium with Jay's and Kanye's
I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
To fly, to fly
Get ready for it, get ready for it, get ready for it
I came to win
Get ready for it, get ready for it, get ready for it
I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
To fly, to fly
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence, by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along."....YOU MUST DO THE THING YOU THINK YOU CANNOT DO." ~Eleanor Roosevelt
Don't you LOVE that quote?! I think I've used it before, but it's just so perfect....I have it written on a sticky note on my mirror, so I read it a million times a day (not saying I look in the mirror that much...you get the point!), and it REALLY helps on days like today. It's like having your own personal cheerleader....that happens to be Eleanor Roosevelt :o) (((FYI: I strongly suggest finding a quote, or some type of affirmation that fits in your life, and putting it somewhere you'll see everyday.)))
So, being back in the good ole infusion room is not nearly as depressing as I thought it was going to be lol! I mean, it's definitely not somewhere you wanna revisit, but I can think of some worse places, so I'm not complaining! It's 10:03am, and I've been going for about an hour now. Have about another 30 min of the pre-meds, so I feel completely fine so far. I will admit....I'm a teensy bit anxious about the rest of my cocktail. These are new drugs, and I have NO idea what to expect from them. You never know how your body will react to this stuff, so it's kinda pointless reading the side effects on the "chemo for dummies" website, b/c you may or may not experience them. You know me, all that does is leave me with a million questions who's answers require me to "wait and see"! Here are a couple of my favorites: Am I gonna vomit instantly? How long before my hair falls out? Will my principal care if I have a mohawk? Am I gonna be so tired that I can hardly stand? How bad is it gonna make my body ache? How weird is food gonna taste? Can I drink alcohol (red wine is good, remember?!)? Am I really gonna be able to work tomorrow, or am I fooling myself? Is it gonna work? Can I somehow make sure I get this chair every infusion? What happens if it doesn't work? Can we, FOR ONCE, watch ESPN on one of the TV's?
For real you guys, we NEVER get to watch ESPN, or anything sports related while I'm here! It's a HUGE concern for me....just sayin.
You know one thing I LOVE about coming here? Everybody (almost everybody) knows exactly what I'm going through. I don't get looked at like I do everywhere else, I don't have to wonder what people are thinking, I don't feel like "the girl who keeps getting canSer". It's comfortable being here, and I guess it should be. No offense to those of you who are wondering if you look at me "that way" (you probably do!), but NEWS FLASH: I DONT FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF, NEITHER SHOULD YOU!You don't have to look at me like all is lost! You should see some of these faces I get from people! I sometimes wish I had a camera ready, it's actually funny at times! It's just a lil canSer, no biggie :o)
Yayyyyyyyyyyyy!!!! My Brooklyn just got here!! Good thing too....this party needs to be livened (is that a word?!?!?) up a lil bit :o)))) Sooooooo, peace out for now (yes, I said peace out), I'll give you an "after" report later!
The "after" report (7:14pm)
Ride or Die :o)
I'm gonna be completely and utterly honest with you guys.....I. Feel. Like. Crap. I was NOT expecting this AT ALL!!! I figured I'd be a little tired, but it's just the first one so it wouldn't be too serious. I figured incorrectly! The rest of the infusion wasn't that bad. I reacted a little funny to one of the drugs, so we had to stop a couple times and I had to get some different pre-meds to counteracct my reactions. There were a couple of funny moments that I couldn't (or I thought I couldn't!) speak correctly. I coulda SWORN I sounded like I just got back from the dentist, but nobody else could hear it. I started to get achy and tired a lot earlier than I hoped, and if Brooke hadn't been there, cracking me up, I would've been miserable. Speaking of Brooke....we were looking at old photo albums, laughing hysterically, and listening to her "1994-1999 rap mix" like we were having a sleep over....it was fantastic. EVERYONE NEEDS A FRIEND LIKE YOU BROOKE, I LOVE YOU MORE THAN FOOTBALL :o)
So anyway, I'm supposed to be going to work tomorrow (I said I was gonna go, so I'm going!), so I am going to sleep.....IMMEDIATELY!!!!
~LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE~
For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Isaiah 41:13
Oh.....thanks for the blog title Brooke...definitely MINE now!!!!!!!
and sorry peeps....not proofreading this one either, I'M OUT!
Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. ~Robert Brault
its my ring finger mom :o)
So, my phone rang a while ago, and the caller ID said, "Dr. Duke".....my heart about jumped out of my chest. Why in the world would my oncologist be calling me at 6:00 PM?!?!?!? OMG! It must be worse than I thought! He must be calling bc we need to set up an emergency appointment! That's clearly what the pain in my finger is! And now that I think about it, I haven't been able to breathe that well! And my balance has been off! And OMG...I couldn't remember my Victoria's Secret log in information yesterday! Annnnnnnd....my skin has been extra dry lately. ALL THIS IS OBVIOUSLY BECAUSE OF THE CANCER, AND HE'S CALLING ME AT 6 PM ON A SUNDAY NIGHT (bc he's clearly in the office...and it's clearly open right now) TO TELL ME ALL IS LOST!!!!!!! Yea, that's not what it was about at all. There's always an automated call 2 days before your chemo appointment to remind you of it (like you could freakin forget!). How could I forget?! It was only 8 MONTHS AGO THAT I WAS GETTING THESE FRIENDLY REMINDERS EVERY OTHER WEEK! (This is waaaaaaay off subject, but is it not hilarious when the cameraman scans the crowd and gets close ups of the losing team's fans?!?!? Eagles fans look pitiful right now!) So I obviously realized it wasn't my doctor calling to tell me all is lost, and I answered and went through the automated process. Now, judging from my complete mental breakdown after I hung up the phone, you would assume this is my first time dealing with canSer....not my third. You would assume that I have know idea what to expect on Tuesday, you would assume that I was scared to death. After I calmed down a lil bit, I convinced myself it's not fear.....it's anger. 100% pure, kick somebody in the sternum anger. Why me? Why my family? Why my friends? Why again? Have I not proven myself? Have I shown that I can deal with anything and come out smiling? Have I not proven that I'm not afraid of a canSer diagnosis? Is this a test of my faith? If it is, I'm having some pretty serious test anxiety lol! I think I sorta went through this the first two times, but I got over it a lot quicker. I, for some reason, cannot shake this anger....I am so unbelievably sick of canSer, I can hardly see straight. This is why: I WISH canSer WOULD GET canSer, AND DIE OF canSer. I mean, who would be sad about that? Who would mourn? Not me!! That's not harsh is it?!?!?!? Bc I REALLY would appreciate it if that would happen :o) Maybe I'll feel better after I get round 1 over with. I have no idea how I'm going to react to being in that infusion room again...I could be "whatever" about it, I could fall right back into rhythm, or I could throw a complete 2 yr old temper tantrum about being in that damn (sorry mom...darn?) room again. Haven't been sleeping that well, and I'm pretty sure that's why. You all know from previous blogs, I can't stand not knowing what's going to happen. I hate not having control....and I have absolutely no control over this. NONE. It's driving me completely crazy. School may be a little rough tomorrow too. I'm not big on missing school, and who knows how much I'm gonna miss after tomorrow. Will things be pretty normal after chemo starts? Or will I miss so much school, I'll have no clue what's going on day to day? Like I said, the whole not knowing thing turns me into a basket case.
DUUUGGGLA! Love u Jess!
On a more positive note....my Vols, and my Buckeyes lost yesterday, so it was a fabulous football Saturday! Soooooooo, if my Steelers don't win tonight...it's gonna be UGLY!!! OK, I'm sure you all wanna hear more about how much I wish canSer would die.....buuuuuuut the Steelers are about to play, and football trumps canSer :o)
LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE
~Trust HIM~
Faith is the extreme confidence in God's ability to perform his will on your behalf no matter what is in the way. (Thanks Shy Shy, love uuuuu!)
CHEMO ROUND 1 TUESDAY @ 830....LETS GOOOOOO! YOU WOULD THINK canSer WOULD KNOW BETTER BY NOW.....GEEZ!
"Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow." ~ Dan Rather
"Fight Like An EBD Kid"
Is it OK that I want to curl up in the fetal position and cry till there are no tears left?
Leaving school Friday was rough. I felt like (enter expletive), and I was questioning whether or not I would make it all day, before I even pulled up in the parking lot. I will tell you this....MY EBD TEAM ROCKS!!!!!! I had a gift waiting for me, every single morning....not just any gift, but a thoughtful meaningful gift. BUT...the gift I received Friday, may just be the greatest, most thoughtful, clever gift of all time! So, we all know red wine is my fave, right? (it's a carcinogen, so hush!)....well, they got me a HUUUUUGE wine glass, and they got it engraved with, "Fight Like An EBD Kid" with a cancer ribbon! I about died! That was definitely a moment I wish I was a hugger (Meka, Amy, Cyndie...I love you to death, don't take the hug thing personally!!!!)!! I mean....have you ever dealt with EBD kids?!?!?!? I know for a fact, some of you have, so you're thinking, "how perfect is that?!?!?" Not only did it warm my heart, but it definitely put things into perspective. Guys, I love my job. I've wanted a self contained EBD (emotional behavior disorder for all you non education peeps) position since I changed my major to Special Education. This is literally my dream job. How perfect was it that things fell into place the way they did?!?!? That first Saturday after I got hired, and I unlocked the door to my room for the first time, I thought to myself....."It's over, I'm finally here, my life is FINALLY about to get back to normal!". I beat cancer twice, I was starting to feel like me again, and I was ready to go back home. Apparently, I was wrong about where home was!.....God had something better planned (no offense to my Savannah peeps!), my dream job....I mean, HOW MANY FREAKING PEOPLE CAN SAY THEY ARE DOING EXACTLY WHAT THEY ALWAYS WANTED TO DO?!?!?!? So clearly, nothing could mess this up! I was exactly where I was supposed to be, where I wanted to be. Sooooooo, imagine my effin surprise when Dr. Duke (to all you new readers, that's not really his name!) says, "scans don't look so good". Um, what do you mean? they're blurry? Clearly you mean they're blurry, right?!?!?! Well, put some spit on your thumb and rub it a little! Maybe those lesions you are seeing on not only one....but two organs are ink smudges!!!! Yea....not smudges at all, and we're going to need more than a lil spit to make em go away. Friday was also rough, because I knew after the break was over, everything would be different. We go back to school the 28th, and my first treatment is the 29th. How am I going to react to the new cocktail mix? How different will the side effects be? How much will my job performance suffer? Yall know all about chemo brain, right?! How in the world am I going to remember the 6,000 things teachers are required to remember everyday? I can't even remember to enter attendance as it is! How much will I be able to work? You guys know me, am I gonna say I'm fine....when I'm really not? How are the kids going to react to my pump? How is the staff going to react to my pump? How are the parents going to react to the entire situation? Those kids have been through so much the past 3 years.....and now this. Is the inconsistency going to through them off? One thing I do know, is I HAVE THE BEST PARA IN THE HISTORY OF PARA-DOM!!! I don't even like calling her a para bc she's so much more than that. So blessed to work with such a great team....but like I said, you guys know me! I will be at that school unless I physically cannot move!!!! I know they say it's good to be as active as possible, but I'm not gonna lie....I'm a little concerned about how much I push myself. When is enough, enough???? and will I be doing more harm than good? I had the the pleasure of meeting the most amazing people on Saturday afternoon. A really good friend of the family (love u!!!) had some guest in town, and one of them is an evangelist. She's this adorable old lady from Puerto Rico, and when she steps into a room, she just drips with goodness. Well, this friend asked if some people could come over to the house and pray for me....ummmm, who's gonna say no to that, right?!?! It ended up being one of the most powerful experiences of my life. When this woman spoke, you couldnt' help but to hang on every single word. It was amazing. She spoke of her life, of her now deceased daughter, of the miraculous message she received from her daughter before she passed away. She spoke of her own sickness, and the one thing she kept saying, over and over again was, "Ebony, you must take it one day at a time." As hard as that is, she is so right.....canSer, or not. It's not going to help me at all if I'm already worrying about my next scan, it's not going to help it I'm wondering what next week is going to be like after treatment, it's not going to help me at all if I'm calculating the days I have until my hair may or may not fall out. None of that will help, but it will make me lose today, bc I've spent the majority of it worrying about tomorrow...which we're not promised people! So this time around, I'm going to focus on her advice: 1. Trust GOD 2. Don't Cry 3. Listen To Music 4. Take It One Day At A Time Let's be honest people, how awesome is that advice (that no crying thing may be tough, it's not like I have the flu!), I mean, I can definitely handle that! My next step is to listen to my body more. We all know that canSer makes you tired and chemo sure as hell doesn't help. If it's too much, I HAVE to learn when to say that's enough. The point is to get better, not to prove to the world that I'm superwoman (I mean, if YOU wanna think that...that's fine with me!). Someone asked me if I was afraid the other day.....at the moment, I was honest and said yes. I'm not sure exactly what it is that I was afraid of...but I was afraid. Is it OK to be scared every once in a while? I think it is. Staring death in the face is definitely not a trip to Disney World....but, I'm not looking away either. I will continue to fight this...no matter what the scans say, no matter what the blood analysis say, no matter what the doctors say. I am determined to beat this again....and again if need be. I'm not ready to go yet, and HE still has work to do through me, so I'm gonna end this one the way I ended my last blog when chemo was over......SCREW YOU CANsER!!! I WIN!!!!!
~LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE~
TRUST HIM
Be on you guard; stand firm in the faith; be [people] of courage; be strong I Corinthians 16:13
Represent!!!
PSA- GET CANCER SCREENINGS PEOPLE!!! IT WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE!!!! IF NOT FOR YOU, DO IT FOR SOMEONE YOU LOVE :o)
Little side note: wanted to do something fun with my nails since I may not be able to get em done for a while. I had to argue with the nail tech that pink does not represent all cancers. Each one has it's own unique color....this lady was really questioning my choice of blue. Until I told her I effin have colon canSer, so I'm petty sure the ribbon is blue. NOW HUSH YOUR MOUTH AND PAINT A BLUE RIBBON ON MY FINGER!!!!!!!! hee hee :o) point is, if you wanna get a gift for someone with canSer, check out the color first, you just might make they're day!
I LOVE this site....you can shop by the specific type of cancer, so you don't have to worry about the color. Everything is pretty cheap and $ goes to research. Def one of my faves! Click on it and help save some freakin lives!!!!! www.choosehope.com
BROOKLYN KINDER....I'M NOT SURE WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT YOU. I'D PROBABLY BE WALKING AROUND AIMLESSLY IN BACK ALLEYS SEARCHING FOR THE MEANING OF LIFE, OR FOOD, OR WHATEVER YOU SEARCH FOR IN BACK ALLEYS...."YOU BRING MEANING TO MY LIFE, YOU'RE THE INSPIR-AAAAA-TION!!!!" I FREAKING LOVE YOU TO DEATH....THANK YOU XOXOXOXO
Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. ~Mohandas Gandhi
Have I ever blogged 2 days in a row?!?!? This is new....guess when you have something to say, you should say it...."say what you need to saaaaay, say what you need to saaaaaay" hee hee, couldn't resist :o)
So, those of you who were with me LAST TIME (couldn't resist putting that in all caps...for effect), remember my spending spree, right? I found out the cancer was back, blacked out, and couldn't remember spending an obscene amount of money online. I had an excuse for that day (the blackout...duh), but didn't so much have an excuse for the days that followed!! There was about a 3 week period during which, the UPS dude was knocking on the door every other day with a package. I'm not gonna lie....it was pretty awesome, not for my bank account of course :o) Well....it happened again. I got home from school, I was tired, I felt like (enter expletive here), and I just wanted to curl into a ball and sleep until all this canSer (yes, I realized it's spelled wrong...see previous blogs for explanation!) crap was over. So, what did I do instead? What I do best, retrieved my wallet and removed my credit card. Before you start judging though...every dollar I spent was on something cancer related, ANNNNND all the money I spent went to cancer research! So CLEARLY, it's 100% OK, right?!?!?! I mean, how could someone say, "No Ebony! Don't you dare help fund cancer research! Save your money!".....ridiculous, right?!?!?! OK, to the point.... I was looking at the merchandise on my last website (SU2C), and I saw the "Survivor" shirt, which I own, and the "In The Fight" shirt, which I also own. Needless to say....I completely broke down. I stared at that "Survivor" shirt as if it were an ice cold beer in the middle of the desert (yes, I would prefer a beer rather than water, if I were in the desert...don't judge!). I thought of the TWO previous times I was able to put on that shirt. I thought of the TWO previous times a doctor looked at me and said, "no signs of the cancer!", I thought of the TWO previous times I was able to see that relief on the faces of my friends and family, I thought of the TWO previous times I said, "I'm so glad this is over!"....and then, I thought of the last time, when I said, "never again". I then looked at the "In The Fight" shirt (crying harder of course). I mean it's a neat shirt and all, but it's NOTHING like a beer in the middle of the desert...it's more like a sharp rock in the middle of a sandy beach...THAT YOU CUT YOUR FREAKING FOOT OPEN WITH!! Come on stupid canSer, LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU?!?!?! (except kick your ass twice!!!) I don't wanna wear the "In The Fight" shirt! I want the freakin "Survivor" shirt (I would like you to imagine me saying that in my whiny, bratty voice....for effect)!!!! I know I'm supposed to be positive and strong but, come on people....THIS. SUCKS. So here I am, during the exact same time of year, on the same websites, taking the same "pre-chemo" vitamins, eating the same "pre-chemo" foods, trying not to have the same anxiety attacks, drinking the same glass of red wine (It's a cancer fighter....google it..and I know, I'd be drinking it anyway! don't judge). I know I've said it before, but ITS NOT FAIR!! I'm now thinking about things I never thought I would have to worry about again. Like my fertility, I've written about this before, right? Those who know me well know I definitely want kids someday (not this day!!). I was scared to death last time, now I'm really scared. I don't even wanna know what the chances are when you have chemo again....8 MONTHS after you finished the last round. I think, if a doctor ever tells me that chemo...CHEMO killed my chances of reproducing, they better be behind one of those indestructible glass thingys, bc that WOULD NOT be a pretty conversation. Speaking of 8 months, what does that mean? I just finished my last round of chemo 8 months ago...and it's already back????? That has to mean it's pretty aggressive, right? Don't worry, I haven't given up hope or anything! And it's not like the iphone4S, where I wanna slap everyone who has one....I don't wanna slap all the healthy people and cancer survivors or anything (maybe the healthy people!)!! These things have just been on my mind all day, and I wanted to share! Soooooooo, me being me, I went fishing in my closet....and brought out the "In The Fight" shirt, bc let's face it....WE'RE (u like how I say "we're", don't u?!?!) in the fight. So, there's nothing we can do now, except FIGHT. BAM!!!! THOUGHT I WAS GONNA END ALL SAD AND NEGATIVE DIDN'T YOU?!?!? TAKE THAT canSer!!!
IN THE FIGHT...and proud of it!!!
~LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE~
Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
~ Romans 5:1-5 ESV
(THANK YOU SHY SHY!!! LOVE UUUUUU!!!)
IF ANYONE FROM SYCAMORE ES IS READING THIS, YOU
GUYS ARE ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!! THANK YOU THANK
YOU THANK YOU!!!! XOXOXOXOXO
HERE ARE THE SITES I VISITED TODAY!! I'M SURE YOU CAN FIND SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF, FOR THE CANCER FIGHTER OR SURVIVOR IN YOUR LIFE, OR IN MEMORY OF SOMEONE. TRUST ME, IT'S ALWAYS OK TO SPEND MONEY IF IT'S GOING TOWARD A GOOD CAUSE :O)
Oh, and for those of you who have asked, the colon canSer awareness color is blue :o)
I LOVE YOU!!!!!!
SN-not in the mood to proof read, so before I post this, I apologize for any grammatical errors....and know that generally, I'm a phenomenal writer :o)
"If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or fight like hell." - Lance Armstrong
hospital shenanigans :o)
So yea, the cancer is back....and to be honest, I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it!!! I mean, am I worried???? Absolutely not. I didn't worry the first 2 times, so there's no sense in worrying now. Am I mad??? ABSOLUTELY!!!!!!!!! and I'm pretty sure it'll be a minute before I can tuck the anger away! CAN I AT LEAST HAVE A YEAR?!?!?!? ONE FULL CALENDAR YEAR WITHOUT CANCER?!?!?!? and why does it have to be this time of year?!?!? I was so looking forward to chemo free holidays....to not having to figure out the best weeks to take off to maximize my "feeling good days". Don't get me wrong, I am in no way trying to get you guys to feel sorry for me (if I was, is it working?!?!?), but this SUCKS and I had to get it out!!!! OK....I'm pretty sure I'm done venting (for now), so...moving on to the more upbeat part of the show :o)
I love my surgical team :o)
We left Dr. Duke with a plan....2 or 3 month chemo vacay, and then rescan to see where we are. Next step, call my other fave, Dr. S (5th surgery on me!!) and schedule surgery to get the dang port put back in. You know me, I generally get my way......so I had my port re-inserted the next day :o) Sooooooooo, I'm all ready to go! Port's in place, first infusion (sounds so official, doesn't it?!?!?) is scheduled for Nov 29 :o))))))) This time should be a lil different though. Dr. Duke is changing up the cocktail mix, so we don't really know how I'm gonna respond to the side effects. One of the drugs is pretty different so my hair is prob gonna go....which is the least of my worries! (Shyra, you got my back!) Good news is.....I GET TO FREAKIN WORK!!!!!!!!!! Since I'm working here, I'll be able to go in when I feel like it!!! You guys have NO IDEA how happy that makes me!! Those kids are my life (most days lol!!), and I'm sure that'll def brighten up those not so great days! Speaking of school....I have no words for how absolutely WONDERFUL the staff at Sycamore Elementary has been! It's honestly been overwhelming! They are all so supportive and understanding and caring and awesome and I freakin love them!!!! Dude...I was telling my EBD friends (not the kids, the teachers!) that I was starting my pre-chemo cleanse, and that it involves no sugar. Ok, they know how much I love sugar bc they see me go though 68 tootsie rolls everyday.....so, this morning, there was a bowl of fruit on my desk!! Not just any fruit....antioxidant cancer fighting fruit!!!! Made my day :o)))) There are seriously no words for how grateful I am.....you all are so amazing and I have absolutely no idea how I would've made it this far without you. So, THANK YOU...from the very bottom of my heart <3 Enough of the sappy stuff....ITS TIME TO SUIT UP! Chemo starts in 2 weeks....we made it through the first 2 times, the 3rd will be a breeze. I need yall with me though...all the thoughts, all the positive energy, all the prayers, all the jokes, and most importantly....all the socks (I will be continuing the sock tradition!) It means the world to me, so keep it coming :o) I have lots more to get off my chest, but I have to educate the youth in the morning, so....PEACE OUT!!!!
LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE :o)
~Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see~ Hebrews 11:1
