5 down.....7 to go :o)))))

You know how things are never as bad as you think they are going to be? That's how I feel right now, as I sit in the "infusion room".  I took last week off for Thanksgiving (it was WONDERFUL, I've been blessed with the best family EVER!!!!!! LOVE YALL!!!) so I went 3 weeks without any chemo, and I was starting to get used to feeling normal......to the point where I was beginning to despise coming in today.  I got a little taste of the old me and I didn't want to let her go :o( I was pretty annoyed with the thought of coming back here when the family was in town and I think I mentioned how much I was NOT looking forward to it.....I may have even said, "I'm not going to go", to which Shyra replied, "Yes you are, we gotta do what we gotta do." So simple, yet so true....we gotta do what we gotta do (she always says "we", by the way....I just love her!).  So here I am, doing what I gotta do :o)

7 pair to go!

the chemo suite :o)

So, it's pretty awesome today because there's this lady, probably in her 60's who's a die hard Steelers fan, and we've been talking football the last 5 mins :o) There's also a lady here for the first time, she's here with what I think is her husband.  You would think that she would be the nervous one with the look of pure terror on her face; but she is as calm as can be, while he looks like he's going to pass out any minute.  I sometimes wish it was OK to stare at people....I love trying to figure out what's going on inside other's minds, it's especially interesting in this building.  You can almost relate to the smallest thing, like a face someone makes.  I think that's why I often feel lonely in a room full of people and most comfortable here, in the "infusion room".  I can relate here,  we all have one thing in common that brings us together once or twice a week.  I know exactly what the lady beside me is talking about when she says, "I would kill to get this taste outta my mouth".  I know that if my white blood cells drop below 2.0, it's time for concern.  Patients come through the archway and IMMEDIATELY take their wigs off and breath a sigh of relief, why? because this is a safe place.  A place where having canSer doesn't get you looked at like you're radioactive. Right now, there's laughter and chatting, almost as if we were in a coffee shop.  A patient just almost slipped and fell on her wig and we all laughed hysterically after she said, "Well shit, wouldn't that be ironic if the wig killed me before the canSer did!".  We understand each other, and it's hard to believe that anyone outside this circle could possibly get what we're going through.  I think that's why I spend so much of my free time alone (except when Wes is here!), it's not because I'm some sad, head case in need of professional help (well maybe!), it's because I'm more comfortable that way.  I read somewhere that the hardest part of canSer treatment is the end.  We say we wont let canSer change our lives but the truth is, it ABSOLUTELY changes your life, at least while you're getting treated for it! And I'm not saying it's a bad change....my life has definitely changed for the better.....but changed all the same.  I guess, that's why the end is hard because, what do you do then? When there's no more treatments? no more appointments? no more buckets of meds to take every 4 hours? no more people telling you how to live your life while you're in treatment? May be kinda hard to get use to right?????? Kinda like being institutionalized, isn't it?!?!? That would be some neat research to do........:o)
OK, so it's about 11:00 am.....been here since 9:00 am and we have about 3 1/2 hours to go.  I'm feeling pretty good so far, I have about 30 more minutes of pre-meds, then the real drugs :o) I'll pick back up after that, and we'll see how I'm doing then :o)

So, it's now 6:56 pm and Ive been home for about 2 hrs or so.  Actually had an appetite when we left so Wes stopped at Diggers (he's the bestest) and got me some BBQ chicken nachos (best things I've EVER placed in my mouth....do yourself a favor and go get some) and I then proceeded to almost eat the entire thing.  Not the healthiest of food choices but I gotta eat what I crave, right?!?!?!?!?  I am currently in the bed, listening to Mom and Wes discuss the SEC championship game downstairs, while she decorates the Christmas tree......I'm not gonna lie, I feel like I've been hit by a train (a real big one)....but I'm still smiling :o)))))))))))))))
LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE :o)


~I will give thanks to the LORD with my whole heart; I will recount all of your wonderful deeds.~
Psalms 9:1


~TRUST HIM~

There will be good days, bad days....and REAL bad days!

I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday.  

~Author Unknown

I've heard that chemotherapy can go one of two ways; it'll get better as you go through treatment, or it'll get worse as you go through treatment.  I'm not going to call mine yet, I mean, I've only had two treatments so I've got to let my body get adjusted to the drugs, right??? I can for sure say that the 2nd one was a little worse than the 1st.  I was D-O-N-E before we even left the office, it's actually kind of amazing how quickly it wipes you out.  For instance, woke up Saturday morning feeling like I got hit by a train...I mean EVERYTHING hurt, I heard some moving around downstairs and assumed someone was cooking breakfast.  Well.....a couple of minutes later, the aroma of breakfast drifted its way up the stairs, into my room, and settled comfortably beneath my nose.  Ok, they said that I may become sensitive to certain smells but, this was a little more serious than "sensitive"! I can't even begin to describe to you what it smelled like! It was horrible and all I wanted to do was get out of the bed and close my door but, nooooooooooo, my body screamed at me every single time I attempted to get up so I covered my head hoping I wouldn't vomit all over the place.  I then found out that the weird smell thing isn't nearly as bad as the weird taste thing.  Mom brought up what is generally my favorite breakfast; scrambled eggs with veggies and a lil cheese and breakfast potatoes with veggies and cheese.  I took one bite of the eggs and.....well, they tasted NOTHING like eggs so I tried the potatoes and got the same result....WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON IN MY MOUTH?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? So here's the problem with all of this....I need to eat because I have no energy, I also need to eat with the 6,000 prescriptions I'm supposed to be taking but.....I have zero appetite and everything tastes and smells like it was pulled from a garbage truck. If I am remembering correctly, all I had to eat that day was a couple pieces of pineapple....not cool.
I'm not going to lie, I thought I would be able to get through the "bad days" a lot better than I am.  I knew it was going to be hard, but I wasn't prepared for this...but then again, how in the world can you prepare for kancer????

bucket-o-fun!

KANCER WILL NOT CHANGE MY LIFE......I've said this a thousand times before, right? So why in the world do I feel like I'm in  a movie and the character of "girl with kancer" is played by yours truly???? Wes came to visit this week (which is exactly what I needed due to my trip down to the pit of despair) and we were talking about all this kancer stuff after I had a "bad" moment.  I, of course was in tears, and all I kept thinking was, "I'm not sure I can do this".......I'm not sure if it's the chemo itself, or the fact that I'm having chemo due to a kancer recurrence; but all of a sudden, I feel like I'm back to square one....complete denial of what's going on.  I did it the first time I was diagnosed and I'm afraid I'm doing it again.  I look at this container full of meds I have to take everyday and I burst out in tears.....this isn't supposed to be me.  I go into the bathroom to wash my hands and the second I stick my hand under the faucet, the cold water feels like a million needles stabbing at my flesh....woops, forgot about the cold sensitivity thing.  I tell myself before I go to bed, "Tomorrow will be a better day" and I wake up to the never ending nausea feeling (it's a special feeling) and to top it off, I'm so dizzy I can't see straight.  Everyday Wes was here (including today) I wanted sooooooooooooo badly to get out of the house and do something but, it never happened due to my wide variety of side effects.  Yesterday, I was really feeling bad and I looked at Wes and said, "I'm so sick of being sick".  All you people out there who have been through this, PPPPPUUHHHHLLEEAASE let me know your little secrets to get through it!
OK, enough of my pity party (I'm allowed one every once in a while!)........


In my last blog, I asked you guys to pray for Raven Orr, who was also in the fight.  I recently got the news that Raven passed away last Thursday.  When someone has kancer and they pass away, you'll generally hear the phrase, 'lost their fight with kancer'.  Well, I've been thinking a lot about that phrase and I have decided that I don't like it.  If Raven lost the fight, then kancer won the fight and that's just not gonna fly with me. If you ask me, the big winner here is Raven! She is finally home, with God....she's not in anymore pain, no more worries, no more treatments, she's finally back to her old self...and the most important thing, she's kancer free! How awesome is that?!?!?!? So NO MORE of that 'lost battle' nonsense. Kancer, you STILL LOSE!! Raven, you my dear, will make SOME Angel.......YOU WIN :o)
LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE :o)


~You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised~
Hebrews 10:36


~Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed~
I Peter 4:12-13


~TRUST HIM~




P.s. Things have obviously been a lil rough lately and I want whoever reads this to know that I have the best Aunties in the entire world.  Auje, Aunt Linda, and Aunt Brenda.....I have no clue what I'd do on some of these days without you.  People are constantly telling me how strong I am, what they don't know is, I get my strength from yall.  There is absolutely no way I could have gone through any of this without yall, and I am truly blessed to have you in my life......THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THAT YOU DO, I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU KNOW :o)



"When things go wrong as they sometimes will;
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low, and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but have to sigh;
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but do not quit.
Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-
It's when things go wrong that you must not quit."
~ Unknown


ITS STILL BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH!! GRAB YOUR MOMMAS, SISTERS, GRANDMAS, AUNTS, AND FRIENDS AND GO GET SCREENED!!!!!!!

1 down.....11 to go....

11 more treatments doesn't sound THAT bad does it?!?!?!?!? Dr. Duke said it'll be over before I know it and, he's a doctor so he's right.....right????? It's been 2 weeks since my last treatment and just as I am starting to feel somewhat normal, it's time to go back in the morning.  I think I dealt with the side effects pretty well.  Don't get me wrong, there were a couple of bad moments (it kicked my butt, for sure!) but, for the most part, I did OK.  Whenever I got the urge to throw something (or someone) out of a window, I remind myself that it could be MUCH worse.  I'm not going to lie, it still hasn't completely 100% set in that I've had cancer twice....I really can't believe it sometimes.  TWICE?!?!?!?!? REALLY?!?!?!?!? I imagine I'll never fully get over that (maybe with a little help from a shrink, or "talking doctor" as one of my students use to call it!) Speaking of students, not being in the classroom is really a lot harder than I thought it would be.  It's not even about not getting a paycheck (although my bank account does miss it's bimonthly deposit!).  It's about the kids....I actually miss hanging out with 9 yr olds!! If you've never spent the day with a 9 yr old, you should definitely put in on your "things to do" list.  They're hilarious.....and I miss that :o(  I also miss that "A-ha!" moment when they finally got something, there's nothing better in the world than the look on a kids face when a concept clicks.  I know I did a blog a while ago called "Thank you cancer".....well today, I wanna drop-kick cancer! As much as I try to get on with my life in a normal fashion, I am constantly reminded that there is nothing normal about it!  I've never been a person that deals with change well, and I've never been cool with waiting to see what's going to happen. I need to know what's going to happen or I feel completely out of control.  I'm not to sure why these past two weeks have been so rough.  Maybe it's because chemo kinda incapacitates you to the point that you dread walking up the stairs, or maybe it's because chemo makes it that much more real.  The one thing I keep hearing over and over again is, "Ebony, you have GOT to get some rest." Well, that's been sort of difficult for me because "resting" really isn't my cup of tea.  I'm a social butterfly (as mom calls it!) and resting doesn't really fit into my social agenda! Saturdays and Sundays are the absolute WORST!!! If you know me well, you know that I live for football, there is nothing in the world better than getting up on Saturday morning, watching Gameday, throwing some food on the grill, and having a beer or two (or 3 or 4 or 5....you get the picture).  Now, I'm a little iffy about eating food off the grill, and even more iffy about drinking. Honestly, I'm lucky to make it through a game without falling asleep!  Every single decision I make is revolved around cancer and cancer treatment......"should I eat this? should I drink this? will this interfere with the chemo drugs? if I go to the game, or to the bar, will I fall asleep because my body is so tired? if I go for a quick jog, am I gonna pass out in the middle of the street? I was told no more mani/pedi's till after treatment because of the risk of infection....should I risk it and get it done anyway? Is chemo slowly killing my reproductive organs? and the biggie.....what if the cancer comes back? WHAT HAPPENED TO MY LIFE?!?!?!?!?!  Don't freak out, I'm still as positive as I can be but, I have the right to vent every once in a while right?!?!?!?!?!?  I know this situation is in God's protective hands, it's just hard to deal with sometimes :o)
On a lighter note, my dad bought an iPad last week (it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen!) and he gave me his MacBook! Only a matter of time before the new iPad comes out and he gives me his old one, being home definitely has it's perks :o)

Thanks everybody for your thoughts and prayers, when things get rough, I think of all the peeps who have my back and it makes going through this MUCH easier!!! If I'm up to it, I'll post a play by play from the infusion room tomorrow!
LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH :o)


"We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, "Why did this happen to me?" unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way."
~Unknown


~Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer~
Romans 12:12

ANGEL OF GRACE :o)

~TRUST HIM~


PRAYER REQUEST for Raven Orr, 28 years old and also in the fight; but we know that God heals :o)
TRUST AND BELIEVE RAVEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ITS BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH!!! GET SCREENED LADIES (AND MEN TOO!)


www.liv.com this site has info about breast cancer and links to where you can get free mammograms


www.Pink-4-Ever.org another fabulous site dedicated to breast cancer


www.thetrevorproject.org Im sure many of you have heard about the recent wave of teen suicides the past few months due to bullying in the schools.....we HAVE to do better people....

Chemo...it's what's for breakfast :o)

So, I am currently sitting in the "infusion room" (guess "chemo room" is too much) and I'm happy to say, it's not NEARLY as bad I thought.  I mean, the needle in the port thing was a little weird but, that's about the extent of excitement. The nurses here are great, and everyone seems to treat the experience like you're in a spa instead of getting cancer treatment.  I am sitting in the most comfortable recliner in the world with a blanket and fuzzy socks....and to top that all off, there's a volunteer (probably the sweetest lady in the world) who just walks around making sure everyone is OK and hands you juice, tea, ice chips, crackers, anything you need.....you can have whatever you like (in my best T.I. voice) and, to top that all off, every once in a while she just walks by, smiles, and pats your feet :o)

gotta make fun yourself :o)

So, I guess the hard part is over, I got the first one over with (not completely, still have 3 1/2 hours left).  After I go home with the pump, it's a "wait and see" game.  There's a list about a mile long full of possible side effects, and I have no clue which ones I may or may not get.  That part is definitely stirring up a little anxiety.  If there's one thing that drives me crazy, it's not knowing.  I have to know what's going to happen, and I can't stand waiting around for things to maybe happen. I'm realizing that I need to work on that because in this crappy cancer world....there's A LOT of "let's just wait and see".
Those of you who know me well, know that psychology is my first love (I was a psych major...a couple times!) and because of that, people watching is one of my favorite things to do.  That's a little difficult (but so interesting) here in the "infusion room".  Just at first glance, you can see that there is everything on the cancer spectrum represented here.  There are some people who are extremely upbeat and positive (me!), and there are also those who seem mad at the world and extremely negative (the lady who was just beside me).  She spent the last hour complaining about the drugs, the cancer, her life, her kids, her mother-in-law, and her cat (yes, her cat).  Don't get me wrong, venting is something that has to be done in order to cope with things but, JEEEEEEEEZZZZZ lady!! How about you NOT tell me how horrible chemo is right after I tell you it's my first time! AND STOP BEING SO NEGATIVE!!! It may actually help...it's like I always say, “Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are." (Yea, I don't say that...that's a quote from Bernice Johnson Reagon...sounds good though!)

(Time lapse 11:30 am-7:46 pm)



staring at the port in the car wondering what to do with it...



OK, I'm home now and it's been a super weird past couple of hours. The treatment process went as well as it could've gone and all my labs look good. Dr. Duke said, "I'm really pleased with our progress".....Are those the words you wanna hear from your oncologist or what?!?!?!? The explanation of the port and some of the meds I'll be taking was a tad bit confusing....I thank God everyday that I have a perfectionist mother who refuses to miss something!!! If I didn't, I would have already mixed the wrong meds and be twitching and temporarily paralyzed, accidentally ripped my port out, and reached into the fridge!! She's MY hero....for realz :o) Speaking of reaching into the fridge, (if you don't know about this AMAZING side effect, see the blog before this one!) I of course went to open it and grab something cold but was stopped by a sign on the handle that says, "Ebony STOP!!!!" (Mom, of course!). That sign saved my ADD brain from putting my chemo body through some weirdness that none of us felt like dealing with!

I am definitely feeling like something is going on inside the good ole body...that's for sure.  Nothing too crazy has happened (Mom, you BETTER not tell anybody what happened in the store!!!!!!) and my plan is to keep it that way!  I guess, this isn't NEARLY as bad as having cancer so I don't have much to complain about :o) While I was sitting there, I started to wonder about how everyone else felt. There was a young woman there who looked pretty sick (which doesn't mean she was, could mean her cocktail mix is pretty hard core).  I found myself watching her smile, and joke with her friends and family and tell the nurse she was OK when I could tell by her face that she wasn't.  I watched her struggle, trying to get her frail body out of the chair and go to the bathroom, and then laugh hysterically when she almost fell.  I watched her and I decided that she was my new hero.  The strength of this woman dripped off of her like wax off of a candle and then...off into the atmosphere it went for all to latch on to :o) You could not only feel her strength, you feel the love from the 7-10 people that cycled in and out for about 5 hours.  It was truly amazing to watch. One thing I know, cancer will force you to find strength you didn't even know you had. The key is finding it, and not being afraid of it...because it along with your faith, will save your life...as well as your sanity. The scary thing is, I sometimes wonder how long this strength will last....

"If the enemy is not coming against you at some point in your life, that's a sign you're not headed anywhere"

~Pastor Laura Pickett

~Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides.~

James1:2

~TRUST HIM~



a little port fun :o)

 Livestrong.com

Livestrong Day is October 2, go to the site for more info on what activities are happening around you :o) 

My Momma is the best!

~~UNRELATED INFO~~
HAPPY BIRTHDAY (9.23) TO THE BESTEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD, BROOKE KINDER (RAINEY)!!!!!! LOVE U MORE THAN HOT SAUCE :o)

CONGRATS TO MR. & MRS. HOOVER!! I WISH YOU GUYS ALL THE HAPPINESS IN THE WORLD.... AND MRS. HOOVER (JUST HAD TO SAY IT!) I LOVE YOU DEARLY :o)

I'd much rather go to the hospital than go to the dentist!

"If you let go a little you will have little peace.
If you let go a lot you will have a lot of peace.
~Ajahn Chah

(This one is for you, Stacey Pickett!!! Love u!!!!)



Being an idot while the doc was out of the room :o)



Why in the WORLD is the dentist so freaking scary?!?!?! I mean, 9 times out 10 nothing too bad is going to happen, and when the bad stuff does happen, your mouth is full of novocaine or you're knocked out (yes, I do have a cavity or two!).  So what's the big deal??? Well, for me, I think it's the noise (and I can't STAND metal in my mouth...or scraping noises).  It's 2010, can we not make some dental instruments that don't sound like jackhammers?!?!?!? Not cool.....

I also had to go to the eye doctor this week, which is also an experience I don't place high on my "things I love to do" list. Am I the only one who has to take a xanax to prepare myself for that puff of air (it's actually two evil puffs) they blow in your eye?!?!?! HORRIBLE!!!!!!! Good thing about that appointment was, I now have a pair of contacts that are not ripped and full of protein deposits, so I can see again! :o)

So, the reason I have to get all these appointments taken care of is because my chemo vacay officially starts next Wednesday.  My chemo case manager (yes, I have a case manager!) suggested that I get these appointments taken care of before teatment starts.  There are 16 billion possible (and I stress possible, I have GOD on my side!) side effects of chemo therapy drugs, and some of mine include mouth and eye issues sooooo, there ya go!

My chemo case manager (she is FABULOUS!!!), talked to us for a good 45 minutes about any and everything I may, or may not expect.  I'm not going to lie, some of it sounds super scary....like the one side effect that prevents me from having any feeling in my throat, so I don't know if I'm breathing because I can't feel air going down my throat.......crazy right?!?!?!?!? This particular side effect happens whenever I come into contact with anything cold.  Drinks, food, touching a cold object, going outside in the cold, even opening the refrigerator door!  To remedy this "not knowing I'm breathing" thing, someone has to quicky blow a blow dryer in my face...WHAT?!?!?!?!? Somebody better keep a blow dryer handy, for realz :o)

I don't think I'm nervous about chemo, I just think that chemo makes the fact that I HAD (and I stress had...) cancer all the more real. I try not to, but I often wonder, if we would have done this (chemo thing) last year, would the cancer have come back??? Will it prevent it from coming back again?? What am I gonna do if it comes back again?? I've said this qoute before, and I'll say it again:

"...The bottom line is, even though the cancer may go away, knowing that you had cancer doesn't.  The fear of it coming back doesn't go away, either".

~Sheryl Crow

I can't even begin to explain to you how true that is.  I kinda think that I made it through these last two episodes LIKE A CHAMP!! But I gotta wonder, how much "superwoman" do I have in me?????? I'm not going to lie, the fear of it coming back scares me to death...but, then again...as long as God is on my side, it can come back as many times as it wants!!! OOOOHHHHHHH, take that cancer :o)



Port under my skin where I will get the goods :o)



Like I said earlier, chemo starts next Wednesday (29th) and I'm doing a 6 month treatment. I go in on Wednesday morning and get 4-5 hours of chemo in the office.  I then get sent home with a pump and do the rest of the meds at home for 48 hours.  I go back in the office on Friday and get the pump turned off, and repeat that process every 12 days (many of you may still be stuck on that whole 4-5 hour thing every other Wednesday, I was!)...visitors are welcome, come have cocktail hour with me! (many of you have no choice, you know who you are!!!!)

All in all, I feel GREAT! I keep telling people I feel like I can take over the world (don't act like I cant!). I am definitely, without a doubt...blessed and highly favored :o)
"...and I know, you favored me because, my enemies did try, but couldn't triumph over me"
~Hezekiah Walker & LFC, God Favored Me Pt. 1

healthy eating tidbit:

READ THE INGREDIENTS!!!! If you cant pronounce it, it's probably not good for you. If you're not sure, call the company 800 number and ask what it is.....example:

 Carmine, cochineal, and carminic acid are commonly found in food products that use red dye...it is red pigment from the crushed female cochineal insect (ewwwwww!), go ahead...eat that red lollipop and drink your red juice now! (trust me, that's not even CLOSE to being the worst one!)

Stay Healthy!!!

"Somebody told me I had major balls today. I agreed. We both got it wrong though, I don't have nothing but a little faith (that happens to move mountains)."

~Cortney Cleveland

(love u!!!!!!!!!!!)

~But you are a shield around me, O LORD; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head.~

Psalms 3:3

~TRUST HIM~



I chopped it off!!!!!



SU2C.org     NEVER TOO LATE TO GET INVOLVED!! GO TO THE SITE :o)



Thank you, cancer....

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." . . . You must do the thing you think you cannot do."  

~Eleanor Roosevelt~

I decided, yesterday, that I wasn't going to be mad at cancer anymore.  I decided this because, I think cancer wants me to be mad and, being the rebillious spirit that I am, I'm going against the grain.  I was trying to sit a certain way yesterday and got frustrated when I couldn't (the 12 in. incision on my stomach can be quite annoying). That frustration quickly turned to anger and I started to think about all the things that this diagnosis has put me and my family through. Well, that's obviously no way to think so, I quickly turned my negative thoughts into positive ones. I soon realized that cancer has given me more than it could ever take away, and for that reason, I am thanking cancer...yep, you heard correctly.  Without cancer, I would not have this new love for life, I wouldn't have this fabulous relationship with God, and I definitely would not be this healthy!  I have talked to friends that I haven't spoken to in years, I spent a fabulous week with my aunt and cousins, I've read 3 books, I have a completely refurbished attitude....about EVERYTHING, I go to sleep and wake up with a smile on my face, I just had surgery and I feel stronger than ever, my father made salad dressing out of olive oil and vinegar instead of using the unhealthy stuff (WOW!!).....I owe all this, and much more, to cancer. 

This diagnosis has given me the opportunity to completely re-examine my life and it has been an interesting journey, to say the least :o)  Why is it that some type of catastrophic event has to take place before people realize they may need to make a few life changes?!?!? We all need to stop every once and a while and take a good look in the mirror, if you like what you see...great, good for you!! if not....make a change, it's a lot easier than you think. (Did I just blog the lyrics to Man in Mirror?!?!?!)

So, as most of you know, I recieved the path report and it looks like the tumors were completely removed (YAAAAAYYYY GOD!!!) and the rest of my liver looks good.  I meet with "Dr. Duke" tomorrow afternoon and hopefully will leave that appointment knowing the chemo plan.  One more little tiny hurdle to get over.....and I'm ready for it :o)

THANK YOU soooooooooooooooo very much for all the prayers, thoughts, cards, flowers, books, emails, text messages, positive energy, and jokes.  You guys have no idea how much all of it means, it leaves me speechless every single day.  I am truly blessed to have such amazing people in my corner.....lets get ready for round 2 :o)

TOMORROW NIGHT @ 8:00 (I THINK) YOU MUST TUNE IN TO THE STAND UP TO CANCER TELETHON.

I believe that it is being televised on all four major networks.  Tune in for a little while, make a donation if you can...follow the link to learn more :o)

http://www.standup2cancer.org/

IF YOU CARE ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR BODY & WHAT GOES IN IT, YOU MUST READ THIS BOOK!

~A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.~

Proverbs 17:22

~Trust Him~

GO TO THE LINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Faith.....

Sooooo....I'm guessing you're all wondering what I'm feeling right now, with surgery being tomorrow and everything.  Is she nervous? Is she scared? She MUST be a little anxious, right?????? Well, the answer is no, not at all....to all of the above.  Right now, as I type this, I am surrounded by love.  My family and friends (and soon to be family *wink wink!) are all downstairs doing what we do best...laughing, eating, and laughing some more.  Nobody is worrying about tomorrow, or the days to follow.  We're not all sitting around wondering, why? To tell you the truth, I don't even think we're thinking about the "c" word (except for the couple of "c" word jokes earlier). The reason is simple.....Faith. That's it, nothing serious, just a little 5 letter word.....it's so powerful though, Faith. If I have learned anything, it's that Faith will get you through.....it works every time :o)

LET'S DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


~Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus~
Philippians 4:6-7


~TRUST HIM~

Let go...and let God :o)

 4 days until surgrey and I cant wait. I am so ready to jump over this first hurdle, I can barely sit still.  I think I have mentioned before that I was a little freaked out by this surgery, but the truth is, I'm a little freaked out by anything that happens in a hospital!  I mean let's face it, the hospital is not a fun place. The fear of hospitals is actually on the phobia list..it's called Nosocomephobia....for realz, I couldn't make that up!  You would think that by now, I'd be use to hospitals and doctors offices....not the case, I have a mini panic attack at the thought of going to the hospital (which may be due to a small case of PTSD from my experience last year!)....you know what I just realized?!?!?!? Having this stupid disease can be pretty traumatizing!!!! I really don't want it anymore, so instead of wasting my energy worrying about things waaaay out of my control, I'll use that energy on the things I can control....like taking care of myself so I can hurry up and beat this.  I think we all have to learn to let go of things and let God handle it...these battles aren't for us to fight.  The sooner you have that epiphany, the easier it becomes to live your life....cancer and all :o)
So, I'm still loving this new little lifestyle of mine, and it's great and everything, but let's be honest....I would kill for 2 or 3 vanilla oreo cakesters with a huge glass of milk right about now!!!! There has GOT TO BE the healthy person equivalent to an oreo cakester...that's my new mission, to find this equivalent (if you know what it is, or how to make it, contact me ASAP).  I think eventually, I'll completely lose the taste for that kind of stuff...I just wish I would've known I was gonna turn into a health nut so I could've had one last oreo.....*sigh*
Enough about oreo cakesters, I wanna end this one on a positive note (don't I end them all on a positive note?!?!?) I'm going to see Brooke tomorrow (for those of you who don't know Brooke, she's my bestest friend in the whole wide world) and she said something to me earlier that has stuck with me all day.  We were talking about how surgery was scheduled for Monday and she says, "I'm giving you my rosary before then...hey, we all believe in the same God." WOW, right?!?!?! Her son (the cutest child in the world) had some surgeries when he was a baby and she kept it with him while he was in the hospital, and now she wants me to hang on to it.  She clearly is Catholic, and she knows I'm not....but she also knows that God is God, and prayer is prayer.
She can't possibly know how much that meant to me...seriously, it made my heart smile (love u Brooklyn!) :o)
OK, my brilliant Mother thinks that I should include little "healthy living tips" in my blogs every once in a while so here's one I just read the other day:
    *By adding lemon to your water (not too cold), you have a powerful liver cleanser, it also helps balance a person's pH (super important).

Book I am currently reading....BUY IT!!!

Pretty cool right? You probably do that anyway and had no idea you were cleaning your liver :o)

Stay Healthy!

~Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go~

Joshua 1:9

~TRUST HIM~

A SPECIAL THANKS TO THE STAFF AT WHITE OAK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME AND SUCH A BLESSING TO MY FAMILY....THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!!!

"ALLOW ME TO REINTRODUCE MYSELF....." PSA :o)

I am so ready for this surgery to take place, I dont' know what to do! I'm pretty sure there was a point in my life when I wanted to be a doctor (that would've been lucrative, you don't hear about doctors getting furloughed) because I am fascinated by all this.  I wish there was some way I could be awake when it all goes down...I'm not the only one out there who is super curious about what their insides look like...right??????
The day we met with the surgeon, I was a little nervous about the surgery b/c it sounded pretty serious....lots of talk about a lot of blood, huge incisions, and a funny shaped liver in the end....sounds pretty intense right?!?!?!? Now, I know I said I was fascinated by all this, but maybe it would be a little more fascinating if it wasn't MY LIVER we were talking about slicing up!!! Seriously though, I can't wait to have these things out of my body, so Dr. Surgeon can slice and dice all he wants :o)

The crazy part about all this is, I feel like a million bucks....I mean, I've seriously never felt better.  That is honestly what makes this hard every once in a while.  How in the world could I have this "upgraded" cancer status and I feel like I could win the Peachtree Road Race?!?!?!? Because GOD is good, that's why...duh!! I also have to give some credit to my new little way of life.  I have figured out that a healthy balance between nutrition, exercise, ATTITUDE, and spirituality is the key to living a fantabulous life!  (Stay tuned for my PSA....)  We have got to stop putting so much crap in our mind and bodies.  If you knew....and I mean REALLY knew what you were you putting in your body (probably as you're reading this!) you would probably vomit all over your computer!  It's ridiculous! It's almost as if those food making people WANT you to be sick and unhealthy (wink, wink).  I am in no way telling you to throw your burger and fries away and become a vegan (unless you want too!), I'm just saying think about what you're doing (or not doing) to your body and more importantly....how it may effect you in the long run.  Just try it....you don't have to immediately go on a diet or become a yoga master, try one thing at time.  Try not to drink sodas for a week, walk your dog instead of letting him/her out in the yard, read a book, get veggies as a side instead of loaded mashed potatoes, smile more often, take a vitamin, stop being so negative, buy a cute workout outfit, turn the TV off, drink tea, get more sleep, play, let a car out in front of you (this one was difficult for me!).  I promise you'll notice a difference in your life, and maybe get in shape while you're at it :o)  

~It is God who arms me with strength, and makes my way perfect.~
Psalm18:32

~TRUST HIM~

So, you're saying I can't teach for a while?....bring on the morphine drip

Today, I got back form the one of the best vacations I've ever had in my entire life.  Can you call going to where you live a vacation?? I guess you can, if you haven't been there in while.  Last Friday, I was up to my neck in, "cancer this, cancer that", "eat this...DON'T EAT THAT!!!", "take this, stay away from that!".  I literally didn't have any more room in this wonderful brain of mine to hold any more information...no matter how useful it was.  I was getting to that angry point, the point where I knew I would explode if something didn't happen.  I JUST WANT MY OLD FREAKING LIFE BACK....IF ONLY FOR A MOMENT.  I don't want to have to wonder if the 5 grams of sugar in my yogurt is too much sugar and now the lesions have grown to football (GO VOLS!!!!) size tumors.  I don't wanna have to wonder if my lack of sleep will contribute to tumor growth.....as well as my lack of sanity.  I just wanted to feel like me again so I packed my car and headed straight for Wesville  :o)  While they were fixing the air conditioner in our house, we decided to stay in hotels all weekend which was awesome...I mean, who doesn't like staying in hotels?!?!? We walked around downtown Savannah like we were tourist, laughed obnoxiously loud in the hotel room at ridiculous hours, ate dinner at restaurants we've never been too, and also had some super important "cancer talks". It was fabulous.  He went back to the house for second yesterday and I asked him to look around and grab anything he thought I may need, since I was going to be in ATL for a while.  When he got back, he nearly took my breath away.  I was thinking he'd grab some books, a sweater, my football jerseys (cant BELIEVE I forgot those!!), my favorite jammies, ya know stuff like that.  He walked in the hotel room, and all he had was my Bible.....MY BIBLE PEOPLE!!!!!! Can you believe this dude?!?!?!?!?! People tell me all the time how "lucky" I am to have him.....that's not luck, he's a blessing for sure!  I just freaking love him....now I'm plotting on getting him here :o)
So I get back today just in time for my appointment with the surgeon.  Not so nervous about this one because it's the same surgeon who did my last surgery (love him and his staff!).  We talked for a while, went over my options (I got super confused!!), and we decided that surgery before chemo would be the best plan. Let's get these little jerks out ASAP, then work on what may or may not have lingered around.  Surgery is set for August 30 at 10:00 am. 
You SCCPSS teachers out there are surely thinking, "That's the first day of school...". Yea, I was thinking the same.  When I was told that I would definitely be out for 6 wks just for the surgery (not even including my chemo vacay), I wanted to drop kick the very next person who walked by me....and I wasn't going to discriminate.  Teaching is what I do, it's my passion, it's what I love more than anything....and now you're saying I can't do it?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?  UMMMMMM, YOU CAN START THAT MORPHINE DRIP ANYTIME NOW!!!!!!!  The feeling I have right now is completely indescribable.  I know I have to take of myself but, I love my job, I love my school, I love the people I work with......don't EVEN get me started on the kids.  I have no idea what I'm gonna do without all of that...no idea at all.  And I can't help but to feel like this stupid disease took it from me, it's not fair....there, I said it.....IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!! (welcome to my pity party, leave your happiness and positivity at the door!)
Ya know what, I need to stop playing the "why me?" game and kick cancer's a** so I can get back to my life right? duh.  I'll be back to doing what I love in no time.....I don't like pity parties anyway, they're really not that much fun :o).
 Those of you who know me best, you know the wheels in my head are already spinning trying to figure out a way to incorporate my experience into the curriculum....bald head and all :o) 
Let me know if anyone wants surgery details!!!
Can't wait to see you Auje and Shy :o)

~Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours~
Mark 11:24

~TRUST HIM~

Out with the old, in with "Dr. Duke"

Does anyone out there have any tips on how to fire your oncologist???? I only have a couple days to figure it out.  Should I treat this like a relationship that should have ended a long time ago and just ignore him until he gets the picture??? Or should I be an adult, call him, and use the "it's not you, it's me.." line???? But then again, I already have all my stuff (medical records) from his place (office), so what's the point in striking up a conversation that may end up hurting someones feelings?!?!?
If you can't already tell, I L-O-V-E my new oncologist (the nickname, "Dr. Duke" is brought to you by Amy Gorham...I'm gonna go with it)!! The second we walked into the building I had a feeling he may be "the one"! When we walked into his office and started talking, you could tell he already knew more about my case than I did, and you can't imagine how comforting that was.  He took the time to explain exactly what was happening, and even showed us the films from my last scan so we could get a better idea....that "other dude" never showed us anything.  We talked for almost 2 hrs and he was extremely positive about everything....favorite quote of the conversation, "This is definitely do-able"....well Dr. Duke, you're definitely my new oncologist :o). 
Here's a little preview of what's next.....meeting with a surgeon (haven't decided who yet) next week and probably schedule surgery within the next 2 or 3 weeks.  4 to 6 weeks (depending on how fast I recover..so I'm gonna go with 4) after surgery, I will start a 12 week (I think, I could've just completely made that up!) chemo journey: 2 wks on, 3 wks off.  All of this is subject to change if the surgeon decides the little jerks are too small to remove.  If that's the case, I may be going on that chemo vacay a little early :o).
I don't know about you , but I'm super proud of myself for taking control of this thing! It feels good and I like it...a lot!

side note: I'm loving this new little diet of mine, I encourage you to try it....my skin looks phenomenal :o)

~A cheerful look brings joy to the heart, and good news gives health to the bones.~
Proverbs 15:30

~TRUST HIM~

Can't be any worse than the first opinion!!!!! (right?) Pt.1

Tomorrow is the big day! Second opinion day!!!! I can't tell if I'm excited or scared out of my mind....I do feel like I'm cheating on my oncologist though.  Don't get me wrong, I love my oncologist to death, he's amazing and so is his staff....so why would I want to consider leaving???
This time around I have decided to take control of this cancer crap...I'm not going to do what they want me to do without asking questions.  I'm not going to settle for, "this is the only way" and I'm not going to believe every little thing they say.  I am going to ask questions (about a million, so I hope new doctor gets some rest tonight), I am going to research other options and alternative treatments AND I'm going to believe only what I want to believe.  Cancer, like most diseases, makes you feel completely powerless.  It's really bad with cancer because there is no cure.  We know that everything they try is like a game of horseshoes...you may get exactly where you need to be and win the game, or you could completely miss and lose.  Well I'll tell you what, if I have anything to do with it...we aint losing....so TAKE THAT you cancerous pieces of crap (I so wish they were human so I could gather a couple of friends and fight them).
I spent most of last week researching doctors and trying to find one that might be a good fit. I was leaning toward some kind of cancer center because...well....they're cancer centers and it just makes sense!  So I went to the Cancer Centers of Georgia website and I loved it.  I found a doctor who received his med degree and completed his residency at Duke (their cancer research is DA BOMB), he's published, he participates in ongoing research, and (this one is my fave) he specializes in colon cancer.  When I made the appointment last week, his nurse wanted my medical records faxed over immediately because he likes to take 2 or 3 days before he sees new patients to review their history.  He also likes to take no less than an hour with every new patient he sees.  All of this made me feel extremely confident that he may be the dude....so why am I so anxious and nervous?? I mean it's not like it can get any worse than it was last week, I freaking blacked out in the middle of a conversation....and threw up shortly after.  I guess there's  always that thought in the back of your mind whispering ever so softly, "what if he says you have a month to live????" Now, I know...in my heart, that's not the case...but that still doesn't make it any easier, and that devilish whisper still tries to make it's way into my subconscious every once in a while......nothing a little prayer and Fred Hammond can't fix :o)
So come on people!! Send some positive energy and prayers my way!!!

BY THE WAY, YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU!!! WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, YOU'RE IN THIS FIGHT WITH ME....SO HA!!!!

Stay tuned for Pt. 2 :o)

~Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible, and receives the impossible~
Anonymous

~TRUST HIM~

I can still drink wine right???? cuz I'm gonna!!

Generally around this time of year I would be knee deep in educational books and literature, reading up on the latest behavioral research, seeing what's new in the world of education and getting super excited to get back in the classroom.  The literature I am currently surrounded by is a little different.  Instead of Classroom Management: 50 Essential Things To Do, I am reading Cancer: 50 Essential Things To Do.  Instead of staying up all night eating ice cream and taking notes from interventioncentral.org, I'm staying up all night not eating anything because it's after 7:30 taking notes from crazysexycancertips.com (which also happens to be my favorite cancer book so far!!! did I really just say favorite cancer book?!?!?).  You would think that since I've done this before, I should be able to quickly switch my remission uniform for my recurrence uniform without any major hiccups right???? WRONG?!?!?!? Hearing the jerk was back was like hearing it for the first time.......like I said in my first blog, it hasn't even set in that I had it in the first place. 
I am suppose to go back to school in 2 weeks and I am sooooo far from ready it's actually kinda funny (I'm the super duper prepared type when it comes to school which makes this so comical).  I have no idea how I'm going to manage my caseload being split between two classrooms, but I have a couple of sure fire ways to manage the nausea that may come with treatment!  I've learned so much about cancer the past year (not bragging....trust me) that I am expecting a certificate, or a diploma, or a medal...or something, in the mail any day now.
My latest OCD google project is alllll about nutrition and wellness (learning about cancer itself was waaay too depressing!!!).  The good thing about all this is, I have been forced to start that diet and workout regimen I have been meaning to start for the past 10 years, the bad thing is the 5 mile long list of things I CANT do and CANT eat.....I despise being told what to do so this may be a problem.....The very first question on my mind was, "I can still drink wine right????" (shocker!!!).  I assumed that too much beer and jager (sooooo sad about the jager) would be a no-no.....but wine? that HAS to be ok!!  I mean it's made from grapes which are antioxidant rich foods (I even take a grape seed extract supplement), they come from the earth, and THEY'RE FRUITS PEOPLE!!! With all that said, I'm pretty sure I should be on a strict red wine diet :o)
Cancer is filled with so many do's and dont's that I actually get dizzy trying to make sense of it all.  There's a bit of anxiety filled with EVERY SINGLE FREAKING DECISION YOU MAKE!! What's the best time to wake up? What's the best time to eat to be sure your body will properly digest and store the nutrients in the food you've eaten before you go to sleep?  Does broccoli have more cancer fighting goodness than onions? If I eat eggs, do I have to just eat the white part? What do you mean sugar is "tumor feeder"???? I CANT EAT ANYMORE SUGAR?!?!?!? YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!!!! And don't even get me started on the vitamins and supplements.....what to take? what not to take? who to believe?!?!? who not to believe?!?!?  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
ya know what??? I'm gonna go have a glass of wine....red of course :o)

~Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.~
Psalms 55:22

~TRUST HIM~